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Eight Reasons He Didn’t Text You Back

We have all had those moments where we feel like an idiot for even THINKING about texting a guy too much, am I right?? Especially if you text him asking if he wants to see La La Land this Saturday and he doesn’t respond for 48+hours and you want to make sure he got the text because maybe he just missed it. So you send another one, actually, you send the exact same message because maybe his Wi-Fi wasn’t working at the time and you immediately regret it when you see both messages, stacked on top of one another, two days apart, looking like two lost, orphaned children stuck between the four unforgiving walls of iMessage.

He still doesn’t respond.

It’s difficult to tell yourself you didn’t do anything wrong and come to terms with the obvious abandonment. You two both loved and quoted Seinfeld when you hung out and that never happens with anyone. Wasn’t that an obvious sign???

These justifiable reasons for him not texting you back will help you repress any negative feelings, like a real American, and quickly get over the rejection.

He didn’t text you back because:

  1. He had his Boston College friends in from out of town and got caught up reminiscing about the good ‘ol days and forgot you existed. Remember when Brad ate all those mushrooms he got from Andrew S. and couldn’t stop throwing up in his twin bed and he got kicked out of the dorms and college and had to move back to New Mexico with his step-aunt who has really bad Restless Leg Syndrome??? GO EAGLES!!!!!!!
  2. His phone died for, like, a really long time. Yeah, even like, probably three weeks even. People’s phones die all the time! HAHAHA, they definitely do! For extended periods of time! They have phone graveyards and honor the e-dead by playing the Macintosh start up jingle over and over again.
  3. He had to go to the Waffle House south of I-80 to reconnect with his estranged mother and it’s going to take a few years to forge that relationship into something meaningful. And, no, he doesn’t want to talk about it with you.
  4. On your second date you ALSO ordered the Chicken and Shrimp Tsunami right after he ordered it and he planned on doing splitsies with a different dish but you ruined it by ordering the same thing. You know, like, you would order a thing and he would order a different thing and then you would each take half and share but you FUCKING RUINED IT.
  5. Before him and his mom became estranged for a reason he won’t tell you, she told him that according to the Astrological Zodiac, Sagittarius men don’t get along with Scorpio women so you’re basically fucked because that shit is voodoo and hippie moms are always right.
  6. You said you don’t like the 2003 frat comedy, “Old School.” WILL FERRELL IS GOD AND MOM THE MEATLOAF AND HOW DARE YOU.
  7. He had a dream that he accidentally ran over his younger sister, Madison, with his 2004 Mitsubishi Eclipse and that really fucked him up. It doesn’t really have anything to do with you, it’s just something he thinks about a lot.
  8. He’s not ready to get serious with someone quite yet because his last girlfriend treated him very shittily and he wants to focus on himself before opening up to anyone new. JK, THAT’S FALSE AND SOMETHING YOU TELL YOURSELF TO JUSTIFY WHY HE DIDN’T TEXT YOU BACK. This Number 8 doesn’t count. It’s a joke. It’s a joke one.
  9. He lost all his fingers in a Silicon Valley coding competition.