I’m a huge advocate of building a friendship first before deep diving into romance but sometimes without warning your heart tells you to jump into the waters of abyss.
I was recently called to swim in the currents of passion where I felt like I was being whisked away, the connection deep and the chemistry incredible. I loved every minute of it until I found myself being pulled down by the undertow of insecurity and doubt. It’s been a crazy adventure but I’ve finally found some buoyancy and have learned (and am still learning) some really big lessons about connection.
So, for those of you who are trying to navigate the rapid waters of a whirlwind romance, here are the ten top lessons I’ve discovered:
Lesson #1 Go With The Flow.
Enthralled with the feeling of connection that I had only dreamt of, I found myself blissfully happy in the exploration of a new romance…until all of a sudden I wasn’t. Blindsided by the relentless thoughts I was intentionally trying to avoid, the infamous questions that we’re socially conditioned to ask of ‘where is this going’ began to seep in uninvited. My heart knew better but my analytical nature took over and paralyzed me with the fear that ‘this’ wasn’t going anywhere. I ate up my ‘logical’ story that it was ‘too much too soon’ and like a bad case of swimmers cramps, fear held me in a holding pattern where all I could do was tread water and hope I wouldn’t drown in the back and forth battle between my head and my heart. Rather than taking a deep breathe and enjoying where the currents of connection would take me, I found myself swimming in circles instead. My heart wanted to keep playing in the unexplored and exhilarating waters and my head was urging me to swim back to shore for safety to avoid getting hurt.
It’s ok to ponder the future but if you’re too destination focused you’ll miss out on the journey. You never know where the rapids of life’s waters will take you. When you’re called to jump in, just go with the flow.
Lesson #2 Be Vulnerable
When I felt like I was over my head and not wanting to feel abandoned because ‘I’m not enough’ (that’s the story I sold myself on when I wasn’t feeling desired), I began to plan an exit strategy because at least that way I would be in control. If I threw in the towel before it was ‘over’, I wouldn’t feel rejected. If I walked away before it could fall apart…it would hurt less. My bullshit logic at it’s finest. Instead of allowing myself to really feel, be vulnerable and share my struggles…I started to push away.
Closing your heart makes it nearly impossible to create space for connection. When you have the urge to push away… it’s typically because you’re afraid that something’s either too good to be true (being loved) and you’re afraid of loosing it or something isn’t resonating with you. If it’s the fear of loosing something beautiful, lean in and keep going… if it’s that later, perhaps you need to take some time to listen to what your intuition is trying to shed some light on.
Lesson #3 Pushing Away Can Compromise Connection
The reality is, he saw me pushing away before I had a clue I was doing it. I was getting ready to pull the pug on our adventure and he called me on it. Of course he did…he could feel the space I was creating between us. All I wanted was to feel close connection and yet I found myself pushing away and at times I felt like he was doing the same.
When you close the door to your heart you can’t connect to self properly, let alone others. Pushing away often provokes the other to do the same via default. Rejection begets rejection and thus compromises connection.
Lesson #3: Real Connection Is Worth The Risk of Rejection
Emotions run high when intimacy is involved, especially when the risk of rejection is so much higher when you’re not wearing a mask. To have someone fully see you and determine that you’re no longer as desirable is a terrible feeling but at the risk of having someone see all of you and really embrace and love you for who you are… it’s worth the risk.
Having tasted the good stuff as well as some bitter feelings of rejection to some degree, I still believe in the power of vulnerability and that it’s better to been seen and rejected than never truly seen at all.
Life is a bittersweet symphony and you have to be willing to taste it all if you want to live fully.
Lesson #4 Break Old Patterns
Here’s the thing about co-connecting (relationships sounds too committal for me at the moment), it’s not entirely about you, it’s about the dynamic you have together; a simple and logical concept that we often forget to account for.
When it comes to diving into deep waters together I’ve learned that in addition to diving into one another, there is a deep dive into self that also occurs. So, when you’re swimming with someone who was almost drowned by their last partner, there are moments that can trigger some discomfort as a result from past experiences. From recognizing old patterns that you thought you broke, to realizing you’ve developed new ones that don’t serve you. Or even more fun, triggering the other person of memories of their ex and vise versa. Breaking old patterns is all about self awareness and it can be a bit of a mind f*@k at times.
Deep diving can often cause some things to surface that make you realize you have a lot of work to do and chances are, you’re not the only one.
Lesson #5 Get the F@*k Out of Your Own Head
Sometimes just acknowledging what you actually feel and allowing yourself to feel it deeply enough that you get to the root cause is all that is needed. All too often the discomfort feels unbearable so instead of leaning into to the sharp edges of awareness to feel through it, we think around it instead. The thing about, deep connection and intimacy is that penetration is required. Going around it instead of going into it only prolongs the healing of old wounds.
You have to do the work if you are going to be whole enough to handle the rapids of life’s waters. You have to open yourself up, abandon your urge to over analyze, let go and feel. It’s the only way to experience deep connection with yourself and others.
Lesson #6 Stay Centred
When I need to feel balance and aligned with my heart, going to the beach, reading a good book, writing, or grabbing a matcha latte all have a way to help me feel grounded. It’s so crucial to create your own joy, find your own meditation process and create space that nourishes your soul to help you stay centered.
There’s something about taking the time to be still, to feel, just be and listen that really helps me feel aligned with my highest self. I’m able to shift my perspective from an immediate circumstantial zoomed in viewpoint to a big picture/soul calling landscape where it’s easier for me to see the broad strokes of this beautiful mess of a masterpiece called my life.
You’re able to see clearly and feel more deeply when you take time out to just be, feel, breath deep and know that everything will be as it should as long as you stay centered and listen to your heart.
Lesson#7 Trust Your Journey
As soon as I realized I am enough just as I am, I was able to find the buoyancy in myself to embrace the still calm waters and accept this is where my journey has taken me and I’m exactly where I’m meant to be. It’s ok that I struggled. I’m learning that vulnerably and deep connections are a practice. To connect to oneself is challenging enough at times, to open yourself with all your flaws to another and have them do the same is even more difficult. Epecially when you consider they also have their own set of challanges that they are working through. So, to think that blissful connection can exist without a little bittersweet is completely naive.
Connection itself is a journey not a destination. It’s a journey that yields a multitude of different feelings, experiences and revelations. Sometimes it feels like a walk in the park with the sun on your back while other times a cold winter night as you venture into the shadows. Our journeys aren’t exempt from the cycles of life seasons.
Lesson #8 Hold Yourself to a Standard of Grace Not of Pefection
As I mentioned earlier, deep diving into romance is in part a deep dive into self as well. It’s a chance to learn about what your areas of weakness are and a chance to see where you shine. The exploration of the heart often leads to some incredible pearls of wisdom.
I learned that I have a tendency to push away when I’m afraid of getting hurt or feel like I’m being rejected. I’ve learned that although I love to give, I sometimes give because I don’t know how to receive. I’ve learned that perception is just that…perception. Sometime it’s accurate and other times how you’re perceived or perceiving others isn’t even close to hitting the mark, which is why it’s so important to be vulnerable and open with one another.
I’ve learned that I have an incredibly nurturing side that loves to be expressed and that touch is a huge love language for me (that’s a mind blowing revelation from someone who use to recoil at the thought of intimacy). I’m learning to lean in, to stop pushing away and to listen to my heart. I’m learning to deep dive and thrive.
As long as you are able to realize that you are a work in progress just like a pearl being constantly refined, you can drop the attitue that you have to ‘shine bright like a diamond’. This isn’t about how well you handle under pressure, it’s about how authetic you stay to the core of who you are while accumulating layers of experiences that make you more beautiful.
Lesson #9 This Likely Isn’t Your Best Chapter
Having gone my entire life without ever knowing passionate intimacy, once I had a taste…I wanted more. So, when the currents of passion subsided to calm still waters, the stillness set in as a feeling of sadness that there had been a great loss.
It wasn’t until I realized that I wasn’t limited to this moment in time and experience that I had a sense of peace. So, regardless as to where this journey takes me, I know that it won’t be the last time I feel the rush of ecstasy as I play in the rapid waters of passion. My deep diving isn’t over; the waters have just changed course. Sometimes it’s good to take a deep breath and ride out the gentle waves of introspection and see where the drifting currents of the heart decide to take you next.
Although nothing last forever, things can beautifully metamorphosis into something new if your willing to let go and appreciate the natural course of your experiences. Remember that this isn’t your final chapter and chances are, it’s also not your best.
Lesson #10 Love You More
What I’m realizing is that the capacity to connect and love deeply is all about how deeply you love and connect to yourself. I’ve never fully enjoyed the treasures of intimacy until now and it’s because I’m finally in a place in my life where I truly feel deep love and connection to myself. I’m giving myself permission to feel incredible, to be nurtured, to be loved, honored and respected and it’s showing up in every aspect of my life. From how I run my business and how I view my reflection in the mirror to the blissful moments of intimacy and connection that I’ve experienced.
When you let go and love yourself deeply you live more beautifully.
As a result, I’m connecting to my highest self and I’m getting to experience life in a more deep and meaningful way. It’s not perfect, I have days where I feel more grounded and connected than others but it’s a paradigm shift for sure and I feel like I’m just scratching the surface of my potential. I can’t say that I know where this journey will take me but I’m learning as I go … so as long as I have breath in me, I will continue to play in the waters I’m called to dive into.
