2 years ago my husband and I had to make the hardest decision of our life's. Its not even a debate for us. There will never be a harder decision we would have had to make, not ever.
2 years ago, we were excited to be having a little girl join our family. We loved her sooo much right when we saw the 2 pink lines. We made all sorts of plans for the future. She was due close to my grandmas birthday , who had passed away the year before. We are only planning to have 2 kids so this being the last one, we did a great gender reveal photo shoot, we planned to do a big maternity photo shoot, and had got our 1st daughter very excited to be a big sister.
Then we got some test results that indicated we were at risk for some genetic abnormalities. My drs office has this great tool that lets me access me medical records and test results as soon as they are available. The first test was routine so I got the notification and opened it up expecting to see that everything was good. What I saw was that they saw some indicators for 2 things. Trisonomy 18, and one other.
I being inquisitive decided to google these things. WORST IDEA EVER!!
Reading up on these things before talking to my dr put me in a tail spin. Reading things like, fatal, brain damage, physically deformity's…survival rates if they make it full term….if…
After reading all of this, we called the dr and made a appt right away. He told us it could be wrong but to be sure they wanted to do another test, this one was going to test the baby's DNA vs mine, and its more accurate then the first one we took. So we took this test. Waited a couple weeks which felt like forever.
We got the results and were told that the test came back negative. There was nothing wrong with our baby. We were soo relived. The dr still wanted us to do a level 3 ultrasound to be sure but said everything looks good. We went to this ultrasound thinking they were gonna find nothing wrong with our baby girl.
- The test says shes fine and
- We are good people and this stuff just dosent happen to people like us.
After the ultrasound we had a talk with a genetics counselor. Before she came into the room we started to get the feeling that something was not right, if everything was fine, why was it taking so long for them to come in and tell us everything was fine.
The dr came into the room and we knew right from the start there was something wrong. She informed us that our little baby did in fact have trisonomy 18, as well as spina bifada a hole in her heart and they couldn’t be positive but from what they could see her brain was not developed like it should be. The chances she would make it to term was less then 1% and if she did make it to term she would most likely never know who we are.
The dr. Talked to us about our options, we could terminate the pregnancy now, or we could try to go to full term. She was there to talk about how everything works, what all our options were and what we were looking at with either option.
I was only 20 weeks along and already we were having to make choices about our little girls life that we never thought we would have to make.
After talking with the dr about all the options and what her life would look like, we decided, for her quality of life to terminate. The dr couldn't say with 100% certainty, but she could say with all the cases she has seen, this did not look promising, and with others who had the same situation who tried to make it to term, they didn't.
Tomorrow will be 2 years. This year though im pregnant, and while everything is fine this time, I am still filled with anxiety and worry about everything. Is she moving enough, is that pain normal, is she growing ok. Im sure my dr is tired of me emailing about everything and doubting the results from every test.
For now we wait and see, even though everything seems to be going great. I love feeling her move around and playing, but until she gets here I feel like I’m still waiting for the other pin to drop.
Tomorrow we will do something special for Hailey, in hopes that it will make the day go by smoothly and will ease our pain of the loss we had to experience.