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How to deal with your manipulative ex who still tries to get at you through your kids.

The best thing to do when you leave a manipulative narcissist is to cut out all contact. That is a fact. The manipulation will end there or at least will not affect you as much.

This is not as easy as it sounds, but if you have no children with the narcissist, it can be done. Being firm and determined will do the trick. You may fall for their tricks and games a few more times. But as long as you recognise your mistake and forgive yourself, you’ll get better at it. Practice makes almost perfect. And the manipulator will not know what happened. Which is a win-win.

But what if you have kids with that narcissistic and/or manipulative ex?

If they are small, there’s not much you can do with regards to having no contact. You can only limit it. And when you feel that manipulation is still going on, the best approach is to become alert and observant. So that you don’t fall for the trap that has been set for you.

The other option is to get a third party involved. Their job is to keep you away from direct contact with the manipulator.

When I left my narcissistic ex, my sons were 14 and 16. At some point in the divorce battle, I decided to apply the no-contact rule. For my own sanity and safety. It wasn’t easy, because, through the kids, he still tried to get at me. Which often worked.

Unfortunately, I was not that observant yet. So arguments would start just by playing my triggers. Which of course he knew how to do well. He had been doing it for years. Again, practice makes almost perfect.

This triggering mechanism worked for a few more years after our separation.

You see, manipulators are very smart when it comes to handling their puppets. Plus they use their kids as meat fodder to do emotional damage to the “enemy”.

Of course, the manipulative ex can never be completely sure he is doing this damage. But my guess is he has a hunch he can get some upheaval in. And that’s what he thrives on.

Of course, the whole issue is that in the end, every one of us has a choice. Also with regards to letting the manipulation games get to you. Or not.

If you practice controlling your thoughts and reactions, you will be able to smell a manipulative tactic coming your way. This requires constant vigilance and observation of your own thoughts and behaviour.

Even though I have come a long way, what bothers me the most is that somehow my sons bring in the ex’s energy. And as soon as I detect it, I put up my defensive wall. My BS radar goes on high alert. And I can get very antagonistic towards my sons, which is actually towards the ex. But as they are the meat fodder — the puppets — they get the bulk of my frustration.

I admit that I should know better by now. You’d think that being a life coach, I should have dealing with this sort of shit pat down. But when it comes to the blatant manipulation of my sons, I don’t have it all worked out…yet.

I do have some wise tools to share though, even if I forget to apply them myself sometimes. So this list is also a reminder for myself.

How can you deal with your ex trying to manipulate you through your kids?

1. Don’t engage in the manipulation. After all, that is exactly what the manipulator wants. And they seem to have a sixth sense for it, even if they’re not present to witness the effect their ploy has on you.
2. Be patient with your kids. After all, they have to find out for themselves what this manipulation is all about. And they are being used in a battle which makes no sense at all, through no fault of their own.
3. Trust that sooner or later the manipulator will get exposed. After all, that is what usually happens, no matter how long it takes. History has proven that tyrants, dictators and bad people do get found out.
4. Protect yourself and your energy. After all, if your energy is strong and grounded, it will be much harder for the manipulator to get at you. For example, I know that if I don’t get my energy grounded when my sons come home from a visit to their dad, I become irritated and very tired. So I need to be mindful of my energy at that moment.
5. Don’t fret on things that are being said or done. After all, there’s no use whatsoever. It only sucks up your energy while not solving anything. You can’t stop the manipulator. You have no control over him or her. The only thing you can control is your own thoughts, emotions and reactions in this situation.
6. Become the Observer. After all, that’s the only thing that will help you. Observe. As objectively as you can muster. Be on the alert, don’t let manipulation sink its teeth into you. Observe and then let go. Btw, the latter part is hard to be very honest. But see it as a learning process and it will get better.
7. Be at peace with yourself by forgiving yourself. After all, the more you’re at peace with yourself, the less the manipulator can get to you. And believe me, they will feel it, as it throws them off their game. If you do fall, get up and forgive yourself. Be kind to yourself and observe what you just felt and why you reacted. Then learn from it.
8. Don’t chastise yourself when you get off track. After all, you’re only human and your kids mean a lot to you. It’s not nice to know they are being used as pawns. Still, also understand there’s not much you can do about it, except not joining the game the manipulator is playing. This means you have to love what is. You have to accept that this is the way things are. And nothing you do or say will change that. In the meanwhile stay in integrity with yourself whilst loving your kids. Even though you sometimes feel the need to scream.
9. Do scream. After all, letting off steam by screaming or doing something furiously will get the anger out of your system. Feel the negative emotions and let them go. Don’t suppress these emotions, because they will fester inside you. So scream, go for a brisk walk, take a drive, clean the house like Monica from Friends. Find a way to get out the anger and frustration. This is the healthiest way to deal with the situation.
10. Don’t blame the kids. After all, it’s their mum or dad that is doing the manipulation. And it’s not fair that they are being used that way to get back at you, but it’s not their fault. They are means that justify the ends of a sick game that can go on for a long, long time.

If you are in or have dealt with a toxic relationship, and you’re ready to start healing from it, check out my free guide to jump-start your healing process.

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