Hey Nintendo, I’m Crushing on You, but I’m Afraid You’re Just Going to Hurt Me Again

Chris the Brain
Aug 23, 2017 · 3 min read

You never forget your first love. Like many 80s children, the 8-bit sound of a near-offensive Italian plumber jumping to hit a enigmatic box with a cheery "ding" immediately takes me back to the happiest parts of my childhood. It’s no wonder I can’t take my eyes off you every time you walk by in a new outfit.

The Nintendo Switch is certainly the sexiest manifestation of childhood nostalgia and modern innovation to cross my path in a while. Instead of having to juggle a portable gaming device and home console, I get both in one slick little package. However, as much as you have turned my head, I am afraid you are just going to hurt me again.

Your Lack of Commitment

I can’t tell you how many copies of Dr. Mario I have purchased. From my first addiction on the original slime green Game Boy, I return to it like a bipolar ex every year or so. But that is problem: I have to keep buying it.

Digital purchases just don’t last from generation to generation, and in the absence of meticulous planning, even from device to device. While the PSP game I bought 8 years ago still lives on my PS Vita or PS4, I will have to buy Dr. Mario once again if we get back together in your latest ecosystem.

Why can’t you just commit? Why can’t you make sure that what I invest in our relationship can last? Before we try going steady again, I need some kind of sign that you are planning for the long term and taking us seriously.

Your Lack of Generosity

Diving into a new relationship with a console is no small matter. It isn’t just the first date, it is all the accessories and experiences that follow. The truth is, Nintendo, you are very stingy.

I heard a rumor you are planning on launching a subscription service. Word on the vine is that, for a modest monthly fee, the Switch could access a library of classic games. I was so excited, and then noticed that this "library" seems like it is only going to be a few games at a time. Why you got to play me like that?

Stop being such a tease! Just tell me what you need to open up full access to all that old-school goodness? $20 a month, $30 a month? Just come out and be up-front about your needs. As long as you don’t nickel-and-dime me, I am ready to make this work.

Give Me a Sign

Come on Nintendo, you got my attention. Give me a sign you are getting your act together. I love the experiences we have had together in the past, but times have changed. I need a console that is tech savvy, consistent, and can help give back in this relationship. I won’t wait forever, and while PlayStation isn’t very communicative either, at least I know what I am getting.

Love,

Yours Truly

)

Chris the Brain

Written by

Real-Life Super Villain and Corporate Iconoclast. Founder of Apprenace and COO of &Marketing.

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