“Uncertainty” is the word that defines this period for so many Americans. I can sympathize with them, but I just can’t empathize. You see, I have some very, very, very valuable Beanies Babies.
As the stock market dives and the job market crumbles, I sit pretty, knowing that my collection of Beanie Babies could weather literally any storm short of the rapture. …
We have a routine. I rarely tell my mother what movie we’re seeing. I invite my father, knowing he’ll decline as soon as he learns the movie isn’t “something light.” I order the tickets. My mother meets me at the theater after work. I grab us seats while she buys popcorn. We recap the success and failures of the day before the lights go down. Oh, and at some point during the trailers I confirm that her cell phone is “off off.”
My mother trusts me to pick something good. I have a decent success rate, though there have been a few memorable failures. The first thing she said walking out of Spike Jonze’s film Her: “So, he was in love with his computer?” I’ve learned over time that, with the exceptions of sci-fi and fantasy, she’s up for just about anything. …
Roller Ball Pen
Best pen money can buy! Whether I’m writing a letter or jotting down a thought, this is the pen I grab. …
Plenty of people today think bringing a baby into this world is a bad idea, and I am happy to hear it. I agree with them, but probably for a different reason. While I think issues like climate change, nuclear weapons, and climate-change-resistant robots with nuclear bombs for fists are worth worrying about, everyone is missing the true existential threat: storage lockers. See, even if we do fix the climate issue, nothing will matter if we don’t solve the storage facility crisis.
If you think what I’m saying must be nonsense because this is the first you’ve heard of a storage facility problem, consider your life before the 2008 mortgage crisis. The banks told you there was nothing to worry about, right? Well, they’re doing the same thing now with storage facilities. They want you to think we have enough storage space, but it’s a lie. Last I checked, there are only about 50,000 of those beautiful Brutalist buildings we call self-storage facilities. Compare that to the nearly 90,000 elementary schools in the US. Something is very wrong when the number of schools practically doubles the number of self-storage facilities. Do we value education twice as much as storage? Obviously not. …
I can see you’re beginning to get nervous. Moments ago you had all six people at the table locked into this story about the time Willem Dafoe sat down next to you at the Apple Store, but now there are just three of us paying attention. …
It’s me, Bun Bun, the lop-eared rabbit you bought for Charlotte at that tourist trap in Vermont. I was wildly overpriced, but she had to have it, and you gave it to her because that’s what you do — more on that later.
Naturally, I am flattered that Charlotte takes me everywhere. Oh, the adventures we have had! Growing up in that gift shop basket, I never could have imagined that I would go to Paris, see The Wiggles live, and almost get sucked down a toilet! …
First page: “This is the time I truly commit to writing!”
Second-Fourth page: Doodles of bare-knuckle boxing matches between mythical creatures (e.g. Chimera vs. Merman).
Fifth page: Flash fiction piece titled “A Raccoon with Two Families and One Secret”
The rest of the notebook is blank.
“In case of loss” address: “Boston Harbor — smallest yacht”
The reward for returning lost property: “Doug”
First page: “MY NOVEL” is underlined twice at the top of the page. A bullet point stands alone on the first line.
The rest of the notebook is blank.
First four pages: A word-for-word transcription of The Sun Also Rises. …
1. “This is no dream! This is really happening!”
2. “Witches…All of them witches!”
3. “People say you monsters can fly. Prove it, cowards!”
4. “God is dead! Satan lives!”
5. “You relentless beasts scare the shit out of me when you pop out behind the car, you know that, right?”
6. “Oh, God. Oh, God.”
7. “I was brought up a Catholic…now, I don’t know.”
8. “What have you done to him? What have you done to his eyes, you maniacs!”
9. “For the love of God, who sent you!”
10. “Now, maybe all of this is coincidence, but one thing is for sure, they have a coven and they want my baby.”
Rosemary’s Baby: 1, 2, 4, 6, 7, 8, 10
Wild Turkey: 1–10