So your partner speaks Mandarin?

7 min readJul 22, 2019

How to leverage your relationship to learn Mandarin Chinese in 90 days

I will show you how you can quickly learn your partner’s language with a radical immersion technique that I call partner-based embodied language learning and it is specifically designed for couples/partners/friends who live together and are both motivated to help each other in this endeavour. If you’ve been struggling to pick up your partner’s language or frustrated that your partner doesn’t know your first learned language, use this technique. But beware, it takes a commitment that only close relationships can endure and has the side effect of making both of you less egotistical, more patient, and committed to each other. So let’s get started.

Backstory

My partner’s first learned language is Mandarin Chinese. I had decided that in order to connect with her and her family I had to learn Mandarin Chinese. She is a fluent English speaker but her parents know very little English so I wanted to challenge myself to become fluent in Mandarin to connect with them at the language level and for the sheer challenge and cognitive benefits of learning the Mandarin language.

Embodied Cognition

I learned this method after studying a great deal of cognitive science and neuroscience, collaborating with an experienced Mandarin teacher ( if you are interested in studying the philosophical and neurobiological basis behind this method, see The Embodied Mind by the late Valera and also Heidegger and Merleau-Ponty), and through my own experiments with my partner over the years.

When I first set out to learn Mandarin Chinese I decided to take it as an opportunity to employ some of the philosophical and cognitive concepts I had been learning, embodied cognition in particular. Embodied cognition basically states that we learn through our interaction with the world. The body affects cognition and cognition affects the body. I, as usual, took this seriously and tried to apply it to language learning.

Radical Experimenting

My language teacher initially thought I was crazy (her words not mine) because upon meeting her I immediately gave her a presentation on embodied cognition to hopefully inspire her to integrate the science with her current skills and disrupt her own practice in hopes of a breakthrough in rapid language learning. In retrospect, we settled on these three axioms.

1. Translation needed to be world-to-language rather than language-to-language
2. Learning had to be in-context and in-action rather than sitting through a language lesson
3. The teacher (your partner) must be comfortable with allowing you to struggle to communicate

My teacher was sceptical but also curious as to what benefits these constraints might bring to her practice. So for three weeks, we tried it out. It was hard, to say the least. Uncomfortable moments where I just sat there trying to figure it out and my teacher trying to stop herself from translating, the progress of undoing my teacher’s habit and me to crutch myself and my ego, made it feel as if it would not be possible.

After week three, we used design thinking to brainstorm around how we could improve it and implemented a couple of our core ideas.

We used sticky notes to annotate as many objects in my apartment as possible to provide me with basic vocabulary for objects (i.e. knife, table, door, book)
We planned a cooking event for my partner to teach me how to prepare our regular meals
We would spend a few lessons learning how I could seek help in the moment of struggling which included how to ask questions (i.e. to communicate that I didn’t understand and to ask her to repeat).

After setting this up, the learning skyrocketed. After 6 weeks, my teacher reported that our progress was blowing her mind and that her initial scepticism had fully subsided. She started experimenting with this method with other people and built upon our initial learnings. I felt like I truly was grasping the language and learning so much at an experiential level. And it was sticking.

Unfortunately, I moved away from where my teacher was located and the lessons over skype were unable to meet the constraints as well so we made a plan for my partner and me to continue pushing the method forward.

My partner and I refined the method over time but kept true to what was working before. We added a few things to improve the power of constraints and boundaries:

We dedicated the kitchen, bedroom, and bathroom to be Mandarin-only and also made all cooking and cleaning tasks Mandarin. With the end-goal of extending to all of the living space and also outside of it.

I’ve included our learnings including our progress and setbacks, within the method so you can get the best out of it.

Partner-based embodied language learning

You’ll need to make at least a 90-day commitment in order to learn Mandarin or any language using this technique. This technique works effectively if you are willing to deal with the discomfort of being misunderstood and disengaging your default language and ego. I can now speak basic Mandarin Chinese with my partner without any translation happening cognitively. This method relies on immersion and the environment to be rich enough to cover the basics of the language. Your partner’s overall commitment and patience will greatly affect that outcome and without patience and determination it won’t be possible.

Do not translate — Translation from the original language to the target language is less effective than world-to-language learning
Let go of your current accent and don’t start by reading
Learn your language in action
Use pointing, body gesturing, and pictures/videos
Maintain patience and obsessive rigour

Here are the steps

Provide a language survival toolkit ( learn the words and phrases to help you get out of situations and ultimately learn [ phrases like I don’t understand, can you repeat that, you vs me, sorry, hello, goodbye, how are you, yes and no (i.e. bu ming bai, bu chi dao, dui, bu, dui bu qi, xie xie, ni hao ma, zai jian)]
Set specific Mandarin-only locations and or Mandarin-only times in the day ( find locations of your living space or times throughout the day which will be 100% dedicated to speaking Mandarin/language of your partner)
Take existing chores and leisure activities and make them Mandarin-only (i.e. your partner walks you through cooking [zuo fan] aloud and you ask questions, then eventually switch roles )
Annotate all objects in your living space - grab your sticky notes and add notes to as many objects in your space as possible with a picture, the Chinese characters and Pinyin spelling [see below ] )
Practice rituals and abstain from breaking ( begin doing your chores or rituals and rehearsing your Mandarin, have your partner teach you and interact with them for the best result)
(optional) Supplement with a self-guided language program — when you are by yourself and try to use an immersive program like Rosetta Stone, when you learn enough you can switch to non-immersive programs like Pimsleur to extend your vocabulary

Repeat this for 90 days with discipline and patience for one another. If you get stuck, use your hands and sticky notes to draw what you mean. it is painful but worth it.

( See my Chinese learning posts as an example — https://anthrochristianramsey.tumblr.com/search/chineseme )

Summary

Partner-based embodied language learning is new to my knowledge and for me, it’s had very powerful results, but this is only the start. I would love to do some more empirical research to see how well this works with others, so please let me know if this worked or didn’t work for you and your partner! You’ll need to practice every day and use discipline and patience. It has made me not only more patient but also more selfless.

So not only have I been able to converse with my partner’s parents in basic Mandarin, it’s very likely that I am a dash more patient and humbled by the use of this method.