A Year of Loss

It has been a year since my nephew died. Floated away from his body never to return. Loukas has been floating around this complicated universe a while now. He visits from time to time but I can’t see him. Giovanni my half human half angel child can see him — in dreams and windows and mirrors and standing in the hall. Every time I get a reading or see a healer they say — Oh yes Giovanni and Loukas are very connected they are very close — Giovanni sees him all the time. Closer now then they were when he was alive because Gio has the gift and if you want to hang around humans you look for the in, for the one who can see you.

Although I can’t see Loukas he is with me too — because if you are going to hang around humans you choose the ones that want to see you — want to be connected and know that you are still around. I consulted a medium or two and found out a thing or two about my nephew but that is private. He told me to write — that he would help me and that I am a writer. He also told me that I was the closest thing to the divine as he had ever seen on Earth and that he was thankful to witness my magic and prayer and that the altar I built for him at Kesar Stadium last Samhain was closer to God then he had ever imagined. He hadn’t bothered with God on the Earthly plane. He also said — just the other day that he hasn’t seen the true face of God but that where he is feels like it. That it is beautiful.

I met a woman tonight whose son was in an accident with a traumatic brain injury at age 22 — fell in his dorm room and whacked his head good. I was waiting on her at the store I work in— the crystal brought her in of course because that is what they do and what I intend for this particular crystal to do at my work — bring them in I say at the beginning of each day and point it at the door. Bring me the good ones the ones I need to meet. She came in and picked out a couple of things and then she looked at me and said that she had had the worst year of her life. Yeah, I said, me too. Mine was worse she said — you can’t imagine. Mine was pretty bad too I said, I lost my nephew. Mine’s worse she said — my son had a traumatic brain injury and I was diagnosed with Cancer. Fair enough I said — we are both fucked and our year was fucked and no one wins.

Instead of getting all snippy with each other we settled into a shared well of grief. A grief so deep and wide we both got sucked into a whirl pool and continued our conversation. That’s when I found out about the dorm room and the fall and the cancer and the husband that cheated on her and dragged out the divorce to spend her money while he stayed home and fucked some other chick. Oh yeah I said well my husband is having a baby with his cross fit bitch and they have no money and no right to do that to my kids, but they are doing it anyway because they are selfish and really really irresponsible and he didn’t turn in the divorce papers so now we have to start all over again and I just want it all to go away. Suffering. Round and round in the whirl pool we go — but we liked each other so it was ok. It felt good to tell a perfect stranger all the things you couldn’t even tell your best friend because they don’t want to hear it anymore — or maybe you don’t even have a best friend anymore because they were never really your friend in the first place — you know the drill — you find out who your friends really are when the shit hits and sticks.

Then we started to talk about dating and the internet and how really horrifying it is to go out with people and find out they are super douches and you would rather just eat a pizza and watch New Girl. She told me about this really great therapist right over the shop I am now working in — directly over the shop — and how she does these 9pm-midnight sessions with her and it is amazing and that she cracked open but the woman was there with a hug and the right words to put her back together again. So now she is dating this really cute guy named Shiva who is totally different and odd and that it is really exciting and fun. I like exciting and fun and odd and different. That’s my jam so we talked about him for awhile.

We exchanged phone numbers and I texted her the minute she left and we texted back and forth for a while and decided we are starting a new tribe. She is from my neighborhood 4 towns away from where we are in the shop and so things happen and a thread is thrown and it is up to you to follow it. So I followed it and she responded and we are going to meet for brunch on Sunday. That’s how it works when you call in your tribe — they show up but you have to be open enough to recognize them and be able to look into their eyes and shut up long enough about your own shit to realize that we all have shit. You could stand in line in the grocery store and never know the grief in everyones lives.

So it’s been a year of loss and heartache and self sabotage and guilt and prayer and a love so deep it transcends life and being in the gutter and finding the true face of God, in everything.

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