Three is a Crowd
I am a new relationship. It should just be “dating” since I think it’s been about three weeks but it’s a relationship — shaping up to be something big and juicy and rich.
I can’t help but wonder however if I am the rebound girl. The rebound girl is sexy and fun and takes you away from your last destroyed relationship so you can break away — get free. I have been the rebound girl before only due to a tragedy and a shit ton of grief it lasted much longer then it should have and instead of the rebounder feeling joyful and free he is crushed. He hung around too long — he didn’t get the memo about what a rebound girls does.
I know way too much about the new guys last relationship and she knows way too much about me. I can’t help but feel her in the room with us. It casts an energy field around me and I can’t shake it. The energy is angry and sick and sad and it just lays there and pouts. It looks like one of those dark grainy pictures of a weird fish creature under the sea — his mouth gaping and grotesque — feed me!!! I feel dirty. I need a vacation. I need to lighten things up a bit. He likes to talk about it. He is processing. He needs to grieve the relationship but here I am wanting to be loved.
He is strong willed. He likes things to go a certain way. He is the man. He wants to go to the MOMA but I was just there. When I was in college at SFCC in the late 80’s I would go to the MOMA 2 times a week for a class. I would sit with my journal and sketch book for hours and hours — alone. I was always alone. It’s hard for me to want to go there on a date with a man who might want to have things a certain way. I might get moody. I might want to break off and go look at things by myself so I don’t feel pressured to nod and smile. It will make me rebellious. It will make me want to pound a bunch of drinks and create chaos. Have a tizzy.
I like things a certain way too I guess. Lighten up. I can do this. Calm down. Be good. Don’t be bratty. Stop having tizzies. Don’t break away. Don’t be alone. Smile and nod. Act normal. Kiss longer. Use more tongue. Drop 20 pounds. Do more. Be more. Find your talents.