THE LIST

Why you should make one, outline it carefully and follow it #dating #love #etc

OK lets talk about my favorite topic. Dating. I’m sorry, did you catch my sarcasm?? No? UGH. I hate dating. I mean I don’t hate it I just have an aversion to the awkward “I like you but should I tell you phase” along with the myriad of moments we’d all like to avoid with the guys we wish we never went on a date with anyway. But I’m going to be bold and recommend a revolutionary idea given to me by my dear friend Shawnette (and given to Shawnette by our dear friend Tati). MAKE A LIST. That’s right. Do the thing they keep telling you not to do. Have expectations. Have requirements. Have standards. I’m so tired of people saying “ohhh but if you have so many requirements you’ll never find Mr.Right!!!” Ummmmm, if Mr.Right comes along and he wants to have three girlfriends, go out clubbing every night and greet me in the morning with jello shots then he’s not Mr. Right. It’s just not going to work. I’m exaggerating a bit here but maybe not as much as you would think. In the past five years + I have not committed myself to a serious relationship. I can already hear you all gasping, including my Grandmother who just wants me to hurry up and give her grandchildren already (calm down grandma, I’m still young).

But truly, what is it that people are so afraid missing? Yes I’ve had crushes, interactions, even the occasional date (although I would argue here the art of dating has really been lost on our generation. Turning into hang outs and ambiguous non stop texting). But through these experiences, falling for guy after guy who made me feel not good enough, not pretty enough, not smart enough, not musically talented enough (EW really? I want to go back and hug my younger self) I finally had enough. And believe me, for women, sometimes it takes us a while to ‘have enough’. We accept what we get because we want love so badly. Because we’re fed day in and day out by pop-culture media that everyone has wild sex and romantic mature relationships by age thirteen. Like, really? I was still singing N*Sync songs and making up dances in the mirror at thirteen, running around planning my pop star world domination. We are incapable as teens, and even some of us as adults, to comprehend, honor and navigate what a mature adult relationship looks like. It requires you knowing yourself first, understanding your strengths and shortcomings as well as willing to patient with someone else’s strengths and shortcomings. My point is, for a myriad of reasons we seem to allow mediocrity into our lives. In the form of our own personal thought systems, our friendships and romantic relationships.

Let’s just make a pact today with ourselves: Repeat after me: “I will not accept mediocrity”

Rinse repeat.”I will not accept mediocrity”. Truly I think it’s difficult as a young women mainly because we don’t see good role models for this elusive “good man”. This concept is so far off from our imagination that we think they only exist in movies and once in a lifetime occurrences you read about in tween vampire novels. Don’t frett. You see, true love is not for the few. And I do believe that. But we need to define what true love means. For ourselves and at some point with the person you decide to be with. Which brings me to THE LIST. What IS love to you? What defines a healthy relationship? More importantly, what qualities do you want in a man that you decide to put your time, effort and care into? Ask yourself, what is my price? It sounds extreme but unless you do something different you’re going to get the same results. And for me, I don’t want any more bar-side number exchange, lazy texting, never ask me out on a date, ambiguous 1/2 into me men. I just don’t. It’s not good for my health and it wastes my energy. Energy I would otherwise be putting into really beautiful things like my family, friends, kids at school or hobbies that feed my soul. I think that’s the point. Choose someone who makes you feel alive, someone who improves you in some shape or form. Choose someone that makes you want to be better. Someone you can trust and speak to because I’m pretty sure every relationship problem in history comes down to poor communication.

Alright so the list. This is you SETTING AN INTENTION. And we all know, that when you set an intention you have a strong chance of manifesting it in your life. I can tell you, with certainty, I have experienced this to be true. You create your own reality. With your thoughts, your actions, your words and yes…your intentions. Your list can be as long as you want, go crazy, have fun, get it all out. If you want the man you are with to dig poetry, put it on there. If you want him to like dogs over cats put that too. Note: there is a difference between a preference and a strange limiting request. Saying you want the person to care about staying fit and being healthy is one thing, saying he should be 6'2, with a six pack and certain colored eyes IS limiting and judgmental. We’re after the important stuff, character, qualities etc. List things that are important to you.

MY LIST

Ok so I’m going to be brave and share my own list with you (eek). This is a snippet of the extensive version where I ‘go all out’. Here is a top list of must haves. Also a fun game, give each one points to make up 100 and score your potential Romeo. This is especially helpful if you have a habit of picking awful men. If they score below a 70% you probably should not go out with them. I mean, if they don’t have half the things you know you ultimately want in a man than why are you wasting your time? I can already hear some of you haters saying “ughghgh nooo blahhh this is so limiting. When it’s right it’s right and you just know and it’s maaaaaaagic”. To you I say a Lucian phrase that you wont understand “waaaaay mesye” (Gooood really?). For some of you maybe it did happen fast. Maybe you are a well adjusted young women and met an equally well adjusted young man and both of you were magically (and quickly) able to express to one another (without set backs) a testimony of how you felt. But for the majority of us, I believe this is difficult. To discern yes or no. To invest our time in the appropriate person who improves your life or not. To be scared or brave. Some of us, just have low love aptitude, and with the things we go through now with divorce and abuse and trauma I’m not surprised. Kids rarely get the chance to be kids anymore and this absolutely affects how we participate in relationships. So haters step back and let me talk to mah’ sisters.

THE LIST: Top Points in no particular ranking order.

1. Spiritual, religious or in some way finds God very important in his life. Geez this important….and may not be for some. But for me, if you do not view the world through some type of spiritual lens you probably wont get me. Furthermore it would leave a real gap in the ability to connect, I think.

2. Athletic —-> Cares about being healthy.

3.Good job, or something he does that he is passionate about that he works hard at (This is not about money, this is about being the kind of man that has goals and then does what he needs to go to accomplish them).

4. Able to commit and be in a monogamous relationship. I wish I didn’t need to put this on my list but you’d be surprised. If I’m going to commit to you, than that’s it. Just us. No messy ex girlfriend situation, no other women you are kind of interested in and sneak away to see on the weekends. Ew. Side note ladies: I think our intuition is usually correct on this one. If you don’t feel like you can trust someone, you probably can’t.

5. Wants to Travel. For me this is a big one. I love to travel, see places, write about traveling and seeing places. I also think it’s just healthy to be able to go on adventures with the person you like/love.

6. Someone who is aware of and cares about world issues. IE: If I ask you what you think about the outbreak of a civil war in a particular country and you say “huh? whatever” I just may shake my head. Volunteering, charity, giving back and helping others is extremely important to me. If it is not to you….again, you probably wont get me.

6. Wants kids. Not right this second, geez. But you get it. Eventually, I want to have precious kiddos and be the best Mom in all the land. So if that’s not in the cards for you it doesn’t make sense to make small talk over dinner right?

7. No major drug/alcohol addictions.

8. Intelligent. And by intelligent I mean we are able to have great, stimulating, meaningful conversation. For the record this is one of the highest ranking items on my list. Hands down. A lifetime is a long time, you’re going to want to be able to have a good conversation.

9. Takes me on a legit date (For those to which this is a foreign concept that means calling you, setting a specific time/place and taking you out) This is like the universal symbol for “I like you” right? I mean there’s something about a guy being courageous enough to be upfront about ask you out that I really appreciate and find endearing.

10. Uses phone (as in voice to voice) conversation as primary form of communication other than in person. I can’t stress this enough. I have come to really dislike messaging. Another downfall of our generation— relationships seem to be made up entirely of messaging. Sending them, waiting for people to send them. Waiting to send so you can wait for them to send back. Yak. Doesn’t this get annoying? Also, if all you do is message then when you see each other in person you’re like “ah, what do we do now?”. Get old-school with it and have a real conversation, in person, over dinner. To my young ladies I cannot stress enough: do not be the girl that settles for a guy who sort of ‘hangs out’ with you sometimes and messages you ambiguously when he feels like it. You deserve more. You’re worth more.

Alright now go. Be free, make your list along with better (fantastic) choices about men.