What They Don’t Tell You About Hip Arthritis

When you’re diagnosed with severe hip arthritis, you get a long list of things you can’t do, and things you shouldn’t do. Like you can’t run, you can’t do lunges or squats, and you can’t do intense cardio, because of the load on your hips, and you shouldn’t gain a bunch of weight, shouldn’t take up binge drinking, and shouldn’t subscribe to the 100-cupcakes-a-month-club, because the resulting inflammation will make it worse.

Awesome image of one of my arthritic hips, courtesy of UC Health

If you’re really lucky, you get some positive suggestions, things like, “Why don’t you take up swimming?” and “Yoga is great to improve flexibility.” To these suggestions, I reply with statements like, “Because I don’t like drowning in other peoples’ spit,” and, “I typically don’t enjoy the smell of patchouli in close quarters”. (I do have a daily stretching routine, but I do it at home, so the only thing I smell are my cats. Debatable if that’s better or worse than patchouli…)

Two reasons why working out at home is fun. Photo by me.

The big thing when it comes to arthritis is, of course, pain. There’s lots of talk of pain, pain management, opioids, hot and cold compresses, all kinds of things. But you know what they don’t tell you about?

Your joints can get stuck.

Stuck.

Think about that for a moment.

What gets stuck?

Velcro. Glue. Pet hair. Tape.

Songs..”I would walk 500 miles and I would walk 500 more…”

But joints?

How does that happen?

Well, our bodies, as amazing as they are, sometimes screw things up. When you have arthritis, the cartilage which is supposed to protect your bones from rubbing on each other, starts to wear away. And your bones, realizing that it is a no-no for them to be touching, try to make up for the lost cartilage, but they do this by growing more bone. Hence bone spurs (osteophytes).

It’s kind of hard to explain how things can get stuck, so I offer up this comparison. Pretend you’re really into steampunk, and you’re trying to explain to your 94-year-old Russian grandmother how to make a steampunk cane. She’s super crafty, and is trying really hard to understand, but the main word she’s gotten out of your long-winded explanation is “gears”. The next time you see her, she presents you with a cane, and it’s just *covered* in glued-on gears. She’s really proud of herself, and you love her, so you take that cane, and it proceeds to get snagged on just about every piece of clothing you’re wearing.

Actual photo of my grandmother from when she was 38, and she totally would have glued gears to everything.

My femur is my cane. My bone spurs are gears. And my body is my 94-year-old Russian grandmother (may she rest in peace), trying really hard to make things work, but just kinda missing the mark and making life difficult.

So now you know that your joints can get stuck. What can you do about it?

Bad news. There’s no magic solvent to unstick the gears. If they aren’t causing you too much of an issue, options include pain meds and physical therapy. In some cases, there are surgical procedures that can remove a bone spur, but that’s not always an option.

Moral of the story? Take care of your joints, folks!