15 Things To Really, Definitely Not Do In Front of Your Husband

Okay, so you’ve found the love of your life. You’ve exchanged rings and vows and account numbers. You rode into the sunset and started the road to forever on a blissfully high note, right? WRONG. There is still plenty of time and myriad ways to ride this shit off the tracks. Fortunately, RedBook wrote a super useful article on things you’re NEVER supposed to do in front of your husband Brad, who says he loves and accepts you but he’s playing fucking mind games like only Brad can. (More lists on that in next month’s Redbook.)

Here is their actual list, annotated with further helpful hints to keep your marriage going. AND YOU DEFINITELY WANT TO KEEP YOUR MARRIAGE GOING, ANNE.

So never ever EVER…

1. Put on Spanx

Keep your disgusting body sausage casing to yourself, you animal. The only way he should ever see you prepare yourself for the day and general public viewing is when you walk out of a tub of milk like Mother-Of-Dragons Dany in Season 1 of Game of Thrones where you’re promptly handed a robe by your handmaidens.

2. Facebook stalk an ex

I thought we covered this in the pre-marriage hypnosis, but you don’t have any exes. Or a past. You are an ageless and ideal specimen specially designed built in a lab for his fulfillment and generated moments before he met you. That’s what love is.

3. Be rude to a waiter

Smile. Nod politely and obediently. Ask what the hard words mean. Bonus points: Just have your husband do all the ordering and talking because his day was probably very difficult and important.

4. Drink from the carton

This one is for training purposes. If you show him it is unacceptable, maybe he will stop the practice on his own without you having to scold him, which we never condone.

5. Yell

Leave the passion for the bedroom, ladies. Your voice should have one register and it should be “soothing.” That way even tho he doesn’t listen to you, it’s beautiful white noise like he’s at the spa or falling asleep in a fancy hotel.

6. Eat a Chipotle burrito

Oh God. I can’t believe we still have to explain this one. We are all one carnitas loaded Chipotle burrito away from our husbands leaving us. Yes. Chipotle burritos are delicious. But when people say marriage is work and a sacrifice, this is what they mean. They mean no more Chipotle burritos.

7. Mock a child

I mean unless that motherfucker had it coming.

8. Trim your nails on the sofa

Your nails must always be perfect in front of him otherwise you’ll be surprised how quickly you will go from The Great and Powerful Oz to that short weird guy behind the curtain… or how fast he’ll go from happily married to the bartender at The Boarding Room on the corner. Don’t think he won’t.

9. Talk about how badly he was raised

I know this may seem like a safe bet since “Were you raised in a barn?” is a familiar joke to follow up failure to put down the toilet seat or refill the Brita, but when you say it three times, his mother appears in a fiery cloud to destroy everything you love.

10. Leave the bathroom door open

This one is mostly so that he will never catch you quietly sobbing into the spa-quality towels your third cousin bought you for the wedding because she was too late to buy something good.

11. Be a mess

Cleaning is one of your duties, after all. If he catches you leave something out, even once he will remind you of how easily replaceable you are, much like his iPhone.

12. Floss your teeth outside the bathroom

Live in a studio apartment? Make sure you floss under the cover of darkness alone in the middle of the night. We know the schedule is not ideal, but neither is divorce.

13. Forget to say excuse me

Never forget to say “excuse me” before you speak to him, before you speak to others, before you speak at all and before you interrupt him. Trick question! You never interrupt him.

14. Flirt with someone else

According to this list, your husband barely wants you. What makes you think anybody else would? Don’t be ridiculous.

15. Drop hints through YouTube

So you want a dog or a baby and you think you can mind trick him into it by leaving behind a triggering online history? Clever girl. We are impressed. Although one of our most critical rules — a founding principle, in fact — is that you must never mold the impressionable and malleable baby shit minds of men. It is not our place even though it is low-hanging fruit. The world isn’t ready to unleash that type of power onto the patriarchy. Just have a conversation like a normal person. Don’t forget to sign up for the Redbook newsletter!