“Real Housewives” Moments With My Girls Are Awkward — Super Awkward

Spending time with my other galpals is often a challenge for me. First of all, it’s hard to work out a schedule that’s convenient for all of us. Secondly, I’m the only one that’s not married so I don’t share a lot of their concerns.

I’m good whenever finances and expenses are the topic — we all complain about those; even my wealthy friends have something to gripe about regarding their budget and the cost of today’s basic commodities. Aging is another topic that I can relate to, although most of them say I definitely look younger than the rest of them because I’ve never been pregnant. But when talk about the dynamics between husband and wife ensues…oh, dear word!

Here’s the thing: the talk about being married always starts out pretty “wholesome.” My girls casually express their displeasure with how their men are always hurrying them along while they’re shopping, or when they spend their weekends fixing up the car, or staying out after work to hang out with their buds when they need to be home helping with the kids. This kind of talk lasts about an hour, and then things go “Real Housewives.”

No, there’s no nasty talk about each other and hair-pulling — just a lot of “oversharing” about bedroom affairs. Very awkward for a single woman like me.

Most of the time, when my friends go “Real Housewives,” I’m like, “What happened to you?” and they always say, “Marriage happened!” Sometimes they would tell me that I’m very smart for not getting married because their life is tough and then they would change their mind and say that I’m missing out on something fun. That’s the part I hate the most — when they say I’m missing out on something fun because marriage fun means sex.

I’m weird, okay — my body is mine. I don’t like the idea of anybody, you know, “sharing” it. Heck, I don’t even like sharing a bed.

So anyway, my girls talk about when they want intimacy and when their men want intimacy. Usually, I volunteer to get us cake at this time if we’re eating out, but last time, we were at a rich girlfriend’s house. Again, things start out mildly, but everything escalates really quickly; one second it’s about ovulation, and the next, it’s already about shopping at an online adult shop and wanting to try different things because the last session wasn’t too hot.

It’s not just the conversation topic that’s awkward; it’s also how my friends get too excited and they become loud and start making big inappropriate gestures. I turn into the gesture police; I’m always the one going, “You better stop moving your hands that way, girl!” or “Will you not make those shapes with your fingers?!”

My girls get a huge kick out of my reactions, and I’m like, so stressed and on the verge of an ulcer attack.

I suppose it’s a blessing that it’s hard to find time to girl-bond — my person doesn’t have it in her to frequently handle the “housewives chronicles.” I can only take awkward in small doses.

Our next girlfriends’ date is scheduled before Christmas. I’m going to make sure we have dinner someplace with some kind of entertainment — maybe that can shut the girls up about their “marriage fun.”