Nearly eight years ago, I fell madly, passionately, and hopelessly in love.
It was the first time the “four levels” had come together for me — we connected almost immediately mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. It came out of nowhere, quite literally — he appeared on the street in front of me while I was visiting my home state, across the country from where I lived. He turned around at just the right moment, raised an eyebrow slightly, and said, “Hi Christine.”
Alright, I already knew him. We had volunteered together for a few years in California. When I eventually looked back on that time together, I realized I had experienced moments of spark, but a romance was essentially out of the question — we were both with others.
Now, the Universe had put us on this street, me ten minutes after I should’ve been because I couldn’t find my parking pass and had to go back into the restaurant where I had eaten lunch with friends, he strolling down the street with his son, heading home. We connected, and months later, when I returned to live in North Carolina after ten years in the San Francisco Bay, we connected once again.
And that’s when I fell madly, deeply.
I knew from the beginning it wasn’t meant to be long term. I had no idea how hard I would fall for him, though, and the literal physical pain my body would go through for months after we ended.
There was broken heartedness, for sure, but I felt it deep in my stomach. And further south.
What do you do with the physical pain of missing someone’s body so badly that you wake up aching? I didn’t know. So I suffered.
Pushing through was excruciating. I tried to focus on someone else. I gave it time. Eventually, as all things do, it subsided.
Fast forward to summer 2017, I meet someone and am awakened to that magnetic draw for the first time in a long time. Pretty quickly, though, I realized we weren’t headed towards real intimacy. And since intimacy is the bedrock of any true romantic connection, I decided to transition us to a friendship.
But oh, to purposefully let go of good sex! It’s certainly not an easy decision.
I worried about that same body pain arising, the obsessive thoughts fantasizing about the sex we had, the sex we could’ve had if I hadn’t ended things.
But I was armed with something different this time. Now I understood sexual transmutation.
Our creative life force essentially comes from the same place. This is how I have been able to withstand sometimes long periods of abstinence in my adult life — I am a dancer who pretty consistently accesses this life force in her art. (Rule #1 if you aren’t/can’t/don’t want to be having sex right now: Use Your Art to prime that force!)
Becoming conscious of our energy — and our ability to guide it — is a necessary part of healing. Whether that’s healing from a relationship that has ended or from years of self-loathing or a sickness that pervades our life, understanding our energetic body and our ability to use it to heal and move forward in our lives is essential — and can be completely magical.
I believe that each of our souls has a purpose to fulfill — and although the reality is that women, POC, and the poor continue to face deep hardships and limitations, we are lucky to live at a point in history where many of us have opportunities to actually fulfill that purpose (and from there, we can help others who currently can’t fulfill their purpose to get to the place where they can).
The more we pull, tug, work at, be in our purpose, the easier it is to transmute unfulfilled sexual energy into this work. And in turn, we can be just as — if not more — fulfilled, while also recycling that energy into more sensual energy, if we so choose.
Here’s how I used sexual transmutation:
1. I let nature both heal and inspire me. All of us have something in nature that provides us healing — for me, it’s the woods; for others, it may be the ocean or sand, the desert or rocks along a creek. Find a healing spot and use it daily.
2. Once inspired, jump on it! Hiking the Blue Ridge Mountains inspired me to create my SensualMagic: A Guide for Women 35–45 program, which took the energy that still bubbled from my relationship and applied it to developing something that will help other women to feel empowered in their sexuality as they hit their late 30s into their 40s.
3. When I woke up in the morning, if my thoughts turned to fantasy, I re-directed them to the program I was working on. It can be a hard thing to do at first, but with a little practice, it becomes second nature pretty quickly.
4. I used EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) daily. There are many tools out there that can help with “re-mapping” the mind, including EMDR, NLP, and cognitive-behavioral therapy. I’ve found that EFT is a simple one that you can do on your own at just about any moment, as long as you have five minutes to spare. It’s super powerful in the moment to release patterned thinking and anxiety, and builds over time in its effectiveness.
5. Keep bringing your energy back. Whatever new project you’ve envisioned, continually bring your focus back to it and create a deadline. I developed the SensualMagic program in just three weeks, and during that time fully digested, processed, and expelled the connection to that summer romance. How amazing is that?
6. Another benefit to using sexual transmutation is that we can keep our sensual energy flowing out towards others, if we so choose. Ever notice how when you start being intimate with someone new, members of whichever sex you are attracted to suddenly seem to approach you in droves? Then, when the relationship ends, suddenly all of those people are nowhere to be found? It’s helpful to remember that although someone else may stimulate this sensual/erotic energy in us, it’s actually ours, whether they hang around or not. We can keep that energy going via our creative project(s), and continue to flirt, date, and even find someone better suited to what we are searching for.
Either way, sensual energy is ripe and ready for us to use for healing. It’s a wonderful way to feel fulfilled instead of getting steeped in longing, and to move forward instead of hanging on to the past.