It Doesn’t Have To Be Physical To Be Abuse
Emotional Abuse and Other Less Recognized — but No Less Common — Types of Abuse
Does something feel wrong in your relationship but you can’t quite put your finger on what it is, or why you feel that way? There are more types of abuse than just physical abuse or sexual abuse. There are actually at least 9 different patterns of behaviours that many abused women or abused men may not even recognize as abuse, yet are no less traumatic and damaging than physical abuse or sexual abuse. In fact, sometimes the effects of “invisible” abuse can be more damaging and long-lasting than physical injuries.
Abuse is not always associated with physical violence and often doesn’t leave any visibly noticeable injuries. Psychological and emotional trauma can cause brain damage without any blow to the head or other external assault. Abuse is any behaviour or pattern of behaviour that is used to control and/or harm another. As well as sexual and physical abuse, recognized types of abuse include emotional abuse, verbal abuse, psychological abuse, social abuse, financial abuse, religious abuse, technological abuse, ritual abuse, and environmental abuse. In the context of a family or household, all of the above are considered “domestic violence”, even if there is no physical violence or aggression.
Bullying doesn’t just happen in the school yard. Any interaction that causes an unjust imbalance of power is considered bullying — and it can happen to adults, too.
Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation designed to cause the victim to question their own sanity or their perception of reality. It can be difficult to spot but have a very destabilizing effect on a person’s everyday life and self-esteem.
Bottom line: if you feel like something’s wrong — that “this isn’t how it’s supposed to be” feeling — or you feel like your situation is “different”, in an unsettling, disturbing, embarrassing, or even shameful way, from that of others — whether or not you can describe or explain what your partner, parent, boss, co-worker, friend, sibling, or anyone else in your life is doing to contribute to those feelings — you may be in an abusive relationship.
Abuse is any behaviour or pattern of behaviour that is used to control and/or harm another.
Read as much as you can about different types of abuse, and if you recognize aspects of your situation in what you read, reach out to one of the many resources that are out there — on the internet, in person, or over the phone. Even if you don’t feel like you need or want or are able to leave the situation or end the relationship, simply understanding what you’re experiencing, and naming it as abuse, can go a long way to start the journey to healing and empowerment.
Sometimes just knowing that you’re not imagining it or overreacting can be enough to overcome the feeling of being alone and powerless, and give you the courage and knowledge you need to stop being a victim if you decide to continue in the relationship. In other cases, it is the first step in getting help to leave a situation you didn’t even realize was slowly destroying your life and feelings of self-worth. You can get help to decide whether there is hope for change if you stay, or whether you’re likely to keep going through the same cycle over and over until you either break down or break out.
On the other hand, you may discover, from all your reading and research, that what you are experiencing is just a rough patch in a healthily-developing relationship — but at least you’ll know. You’ll likely find some tips on how to navigate through this rough patch and come out stronger on the other side.
The most important first thing, though, is to find out. Either way, you’ll feel relief when you get clarity. What you read will either bring that vague feeling that “something’s not right” into clearer focus and you’ll be able to finally articulate what it is that’s giving you that feeling, or you’ll find that your situation does not fit the descriptions of abuse, and feel more settled even if you discover that you need to continue your investigation on another path (perhaps investigating different communication styles or personality types, undiagnosed learning disabilities, or different patterns of reacting to and handling stress, to name a few). Whatever you discover, though, knowledge and discovery will lead to growth. There may still be fear, perhaps an initial feeling of disbelief or wishing it was different, but as long as there is growth, there is life, and as long as there is life, there is hope. You are not alone.