Christine Trapani
Mar 16, 2018 · 5 min read

“She has it all. Except someone to share it with.”

How many times do you hear stories that start like this? How many times have you said this line yourself? How many “amazing women” do you know — that are smart, strong, have professional success and are all around wonderful people — yet have not met someone to share it all with? Or maybe you are one of these amazing women yourself….

Now before I continue this roughly 5-minute rant and risk getting my ass handed to me for ASSUMING these amazing creatures are somehow incomplete, or even looking for a partner — that’s not at all what I’m suggesting or going to focus on here. Because that’s not necessarily on everyone’s agenda — and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. I want to talk about those women that ARE interested in meeting a partner. And keep in mind I myself am still single and seeking — and fucking spectacular. Actually, am I spectacular? Maybe I’m not that spectacular at all. Because I haven’t come across anyone lately that I can convince. And I’m really getting tired of trying…

“Maybe I’m not spectacular”? And feeling exhaustion from “trying to convince” anyone of my spectacular-ness? And there in part lies the issue. Confidence.

Huh? How could women that are so successful professionally not have confidence? Well, of course they do — to some extent. Because it’s a lot easier to be confident professionally. But when matters of the heart are involved — maybe not so much. But why?

I know so many spectacular, single women who have found success professionally. They are smart, they are driven and in complete control of their professional lives. They’ve worked hard. They’re educated. They’ve climbed that corporate ladder. They manage teams. They rock that boardroom. They run businesses. They are planners and problem solvers. They take care of matters and make things happen — all at work. It’s easy to measure professional success in tangibles. Maybe it’s through an increase in sales. Or that raise or bonus you were working towards. And the glowing evaluation your boss gave you (that you keep tucked in that “personal folder” somewhere to take a peek at once in a while). And lord knows there’s countless power point presentations, graphs, pie charts, reports and emails up the ass to hold and present as proof. So in the middle of all this “success”, where do you find the time, energy — or straight up confidence — to find that special someone? Or more specifically — the confidence to be vulnerable. And “manage” emotion. Your own emotion.

Emotions are tough. And very difficult to manage at times, especially when it comes to love — or even lust. You can’t manage love the way you would manage your team or a project at work. And there aren’t really any tangibles you can pull out of a file to show someone and prove your worth. You can’t necessarily plan every step that needs to be executed and have the handy back up plan B ready to roll within a moment’s notice. Not when you’re dealing with human intimacy. Or feelings and emotions you may not be completely comfortable with. We’re afraid of looking stupid. Or worse, feeling rejected. How could someone who’s used to calling the shots — and being in CONTROL — not have something go her way? And may have to actually hear the word NO? Well, you’ll need to when it comes to love. So, get used to it, Boss Babe.

I was channel surfing recently and came across the movie, “Something’s Gotta Give” with Diane Keaton and Jack Nicholson. I’ve seen the movie a few times, but this time I wasn’t being distracted by my phone, social media or multi-tasking around my apartment. I actually sat down and really watched it. And in doing so, I finally heard a line in the movie that was very profound. For those of you not familiar with the movie, Diane Keaton plays a very successful playwright — and in this particular scene she was very emotional, just having had her heart broken by Jack Nicholson. Here’s what her character said:

The life I had before you — I knew how to do “that”. I could do “that” forever. But now look at me. What am I going to do? What am I going to do with all “this”?

Her professional life was her comfort zone. She was completely successful at it. She was respected and revered. She commanded the part. She was in complete control and was used to calling the shots. But when it came to being vulnerable, to letting herself go, feeling raw emotion and falling for someone — it was almost uncharted waters for her. She had no idea how to react. And she was actually angry at herself for “being so stupid”. Wow.

We all do “stupid” things sometimes when it comes to our emotions. Especially when it comes to love. I have. I still do. And probably still will. Sometimes I think I’ll never learn. I’ve allowed emotion to really cloud my judgement at times. And I’ve really beaten myself up for my “stupidity”. I’ve let dicks, dorks, dingles, dangles (or whatever you want to call them) make me feel — and act — like a real fucking dingbat at times. I just recently did it. Again. Do I feel stupid? Sure. Am I mad? Mostly at myself right now. Am I in hiding as a result? Absolutely not. Would I go back out there and try again? I already am. And so should you.

So if you’re looking for some tips or pearls of wisdom from this self-proclaimed, successful dingbat (you’ve been warned…) — I can offer a few things I’ve learned, especially recently — so here goes:

· Take a chance — if you want to meet someone, take the chance and put yourself out there. You can’t always out smart getting hurt — but being vulnerable from trying is better than being lonely from not trying at all.

· Be honest — give someone a fair opportunity to learn who you really are and what you want. Sure, we’re all on best behavior for a little while when we’re first getting to know someone. But be yourself. You’re not being fair to anyone — and in the end, the joke will be on you.

· Don’t settle — if you decide to take anything from the boardroom (to the bedroom), go with your gut and instinct — especially in a relationship. If something is not sitting well with you and you just get a bad feeling — don’t ignore it and speak up. Pronto. God knows you open your mouth enough at work.

· Truly listen and hear what someone may be telling you — not just what you want to hear. You may be used to strong arming someone at work, but that approach doesn’t work here. And would you really want to try and strong arm someone into loving you?

And lastly — you already are fucking spectacular. And the right person would never need to be convinced. So go get yourself out there. Now. Don’t stop trying. And finally have it all.

If you enjoyed this post, please give some “claps” — you can give up to 50 — as a way to recommend to other readers. Many thanks for reading!

Christine Trapani

Written by

Founder of Herwork Coaching, LLC

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