The 5 Central Perks of Coffee

1. Enhances athletic performance.

Not that this one is relevant to me. I am in no athletic performance that requires enhancement. I just find it amusing that the same nutty black liquid tax auditors and white grandmas drink to feel alive in the morning is also consumed by people who want to run faster and pursue balls more effectively.

2. It smells nice.

Not on the breath though.

3. It makes you feel more adult somewhat.

Imagine a small child holding a medium dark roast and complaining about gas prices. LOL!!

4. Coffee high.

I are very happy and optimistic about my life and the universe! Haha oh yes stir stick, you swirl, swirl in sync to the Spotify playlist.

5. Insomnia.

You go to bed around midnight as per usual because you are drowsy from the coffee crash that happened 6 hours ago. Sleep creeps into your muscles. You can hear your pulse. This goes on for twenty minutes, and then thirty, and eventually an hour. And then it begins to occur to you that it is going to happen again. This is where it begins. This is going to be one of those nights. But maybe not. The night is still young and there is still hope. You just need to calm down and relax and not think about falling asleep. Except for the small fact that lying awake in bed trying to not think about falling asleep, in order to be able to fall asleep, because there are plans tomorrow that require a functional mind, is possibly one of the least sleep-inducing states to be in. At around 2 pm you give up and commit yourself to spending the rest of the night fuming until the REM overlords finally decide to show up and take you away on that blissful time machine to breakfast.

At one point your body gets so tired that the world begins to spin. You reach and grapple for this adjacent universe hoping that it will pull you under and away from consciousness, but obviously this doesn’t work and the world just spins faster. After about five minutes of this nonsense you open your eyes. Your brain is a useless brick.

At 3 pm of insomniac adventures things begin to get weird. Blinding epiphanies strike from all directions in the blackness. Lasagna IS really just a pasta cake. What are we to those with a smaller neocortex? Take monkeys for example. Monkeys most definitely believe we have gone off the deep end. They are not wrong to a certain extent. To ourselves we are rational and superior. But to them we are just a clan of dangerous morons who cover ourselves in fabric, stare at screens all day, and eat abnormally round or square shaped foods. Just think about exercise. We are the only species on the planet to voluntarily inflict muscular pain and fatigue upon ourselves for no immediate reason. Moreover, if we are this crazy to monkeys, it is very feasible that those we mark as crazy are simply at a much higher level of cortical intelligence that we cannot grasp. What if one day we finally get to meet an advanced alien species, and they act so disturbingly strange that we just dismiss them as stupid. What if the only difference between the genius and the mental patient stems from a matter of mere luck and circumstance?

Have you ever opened a jar, put the lid on the counter, and put the jar back on the lid, hence contaminating both the lid, the jar, and the counter? We have all done such a thing. The jar has no business on the lid, it is better off anywhere else. And yet they always somehow end up together because the two shapes are just what destiny looks like. They were cut out into this world for one another.

Meanwhile this entire sleepless experience is tinted with a light sprinkle of panic. You are never going to be able to fall asleep again. You are just going to die in this heap of mounting exhaustion and self hate.

The next day (aka 3 hours later) you wake up and look like you got hit by a truck. After breakfast, you stick the cereal in the fridge and put the milk in the cupboard. You bruise your leg twice while trying to get down the stairs and out the door. People look at you with sympathy and understanding. You don’t drink coffee even though it is much more necessary now than yesterday because like hell you are going to touch that poison again. Except maybe a couple weeks from now. Because why not, life is far too short for regulated dopamine levels anyways.

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