Shit Appens

I have a friend, we’ll call him Jeff, who recently submitted a gaming app to Apple and was rejected because, as they put it, “Your app is a poop app.”

Let me back up. Sorry. Poor choice of words. Some backstory. Dammit, did it again. Anyway, Jeff was spitballing a few app ideas to me and a couple other chums over beers one night, strictly as jokes, strictly as in “What about an app where you do X?” One of these joke apps he called Dookie Shoot: “Hey, what about an app where you drop little turd bombs on things you don’t like — including our two presidential candidates?” Who wouldn’t want to dump on Trump or Hillary, depending on who you wanted or didn’t want to see in the White House, let alone in the white porcelain bowl.

After our Beavis and Butthead–like giggles died down, we all agreed that hey, man, that’s actually, you know, not that crazy of an idea. Imagine third-graders in the back of the school bus, giddily dropping dookies on Trump! Or some Hillary hater in Ohio unloading on that pantsuit. Oh, the fun they’ll have!

So Jeff went through the steps to make the game legit: he hired a team in India, and with them he developed and constantly tweaked the game to the point where it became, well, a real game you can play on your phone. Next, he submitted it to Apple, sat back, and waited for the dookie magic to happen. But by the end of the week, Apple sent him a notice announcing they rejected his app. Sorry. Shit happens, but not on our Apple watch, buddy.

But just go look at the games they have approved. It’s soul-numbing. It’s almost like: Hey, if you want to swap out your little dookies for hand grenades? We got no problem with that. If you want to trade your stink bombs for real bombs (you know, real for the gaming world), we’ll gladly rubberstamp it.

Machetes, spears, knives, daggers, shivs, , revolvers, shotguns, machine guns, and AK-47s are all AOK with us. But poop? Nope. It’s our policy.

So you can do anything to the cartoon characters on your phone screen — slice off their heads, riddle them with bullets, blow them up. Hell, you can blow up your whole game world with a video nuke if you wanted to. Just as long as don’t blow it out your ass.

But if you want to play Dookie Shoot, you’ll just have to use an Android device.