I am not him

Christopher Ard
Oct 10, 2015 · 2 min read

I am not who you need me to be. I am just me — a man.

I don’t know how to be fearless. It’s not something that’s learned. I just stand in the swift current, bracing myself against the punishing impacts of love and loss. To be fearless would mean that I have nothing to lose, and truthfully, I’ve lost most of the things that I have ever had and can’t bear to think about losing what’s left. But, in the end, I will have lost everything — so maybe then, I’ll be fearless.

I am not smart. You listen to my words, words that I had to borrow from other men before me, just as they, too, borrowed them from others who borrowed them... Words that alone mean nothing, but together can sometimes penetrate a heart or mind — but they’re just words, things I’ve heard — the tools of men before me. To be smart would mean I would have to know everything…but I don’t. I’m still learning. But, in the end, I will have learned everything that I will ever learn, without the possibility of learning more — so maybe then, I’ll be smart.

I am not respectful. If you knew the thoughts that crossed my mind when you entered a room — you’d gasp. If you knew the hatred I had for your ex-lover, you’d leave me out of fear. If you knew just how badly I wanted everything that you have and how I wanted to take it all from you and then give it back only to take it back again over and over and over again…you’d run away. If you knew the ways that I planned on changing your world and the things I’d do to achieve my goals and obtain my wants, you’d despise me. To be respectful would mean I would have to be satisfied. I couldn’t look at you with lust — which I won’t stop doing until the end — yours or mine — so maybe then, I’ll be respectful.

I am not your hero for I am not strong. To say I was strong would mean I didn’t need anyone or anything. But, I do. I need you. I need it. I need this and I certainly need that. I need to be loved just as badly as I need to love. I sometimes need my space and I’ll always need your embrace. But, in the end, I won’t need you, or that…or even this, so maybe then, I’ll be strong.

I’m sorry. I cannot be any or all of these things that you believe me to be. I can only be me — dumb, weak, disrespectful, and scared. But, in the end — at the very end, I won’t be these things, so maybe then, I’ll be your man.