From being manipulative to not, my process of transformation

Christopher Jakob
Aug 25, 2017 · 4 min read

This is a follow up to How Not Investing In Myself First Pushed My Dream Girl Away where I explain how I learned the way I was socializing was highly manipulative, and show the proper way of socializing. That I was trying to control situations and the decisions people made, and in doing so, learned a hard life lesson. If you have not read it, I highly recommend you do before reading this. (FYI it’s designed to give you my experience first hand, so it is kinda long).

The quick TL;DR incase your response to the above is “Nahh”

I used to have terrible social anxiety, and decided to change it. I used several different resources to learn concepts, and then went out and practiced. I was in a whole new world of experience, and was constantly working to develop my social skills. But ultimately in doing so I skewed my mindset when it came to being social, I was looking at being social as an achievement rather than just an act. That I was basing my happiness on an outcome that I had no control over, other than how I presented myself. In the case of the article, a girl, one I was trying to win over. There are five main points to socializing and living a satisfying life. I’ll present them as bullet points here, but If you want the in depth you’ll have to head over to the other article.

  • Always Invest in yourself first
  • You are responsible for your own emotions
  • Give for the sake of giving, never as an investment
  • Attract do not pursue
  • Control what you can, and not what you can’t

WIth that out of the way, let’s shift the focus to what I wish to share with you.

So what happens now? When in life did we learn something and then instantly adopt it? Well if you’re like me, the answer is never. Just because we know what we know now does not mean we are done. We still have change our habits and our thoughts, and that is what this article is about. My process, another look into my reality so that if you go down this path, you know what to expect.

First, I still am in some pain, I regret what happened between the girl and the people I lost from my life because of it. I have though accepted that it is my fault, that I should not, and do not, have any anger towards her or those who left me as they were just doing what was right for them at the time. I find myself at times wondering if they all may come back into my life, or that I may have another chance with this girl, and then I quickly catch myself. Thoughts like those are only hurtful. I have no say if those people enter my life again, they have to make that decision. All I can do is respect their wishes and present my best self, which is going back to attract do not pursue. When the what ifs come into mind, we must quickly remember what we learned.

I find myself still at times having manipulative thoughts. What’s different now, is the self-awareness of my manipulation. Back before learning what I did, I had no idea I was manipulative, or that my behavior was so skewed. That is not to say I am not responsible for my behavior when I didn’t know, I most certainly am, just now I know better. So now I may catch myself thinking of taking a manipulative action, and I will quickly change course. Or I will take action that supports my transformation. An example, I noticed I was being needy to one of my friends, I quickly told her I needed to spend some time away from her, and continue improving myself before we talk again, because I clearly wasn’t ready. I never got a response from her, but I hope she’s cool with it and understands.

My point with all of this is we are not going to be better overnight, and that it is not only going to take time, but also constant action. I know that as I keep working on adopting what I learned, it will become less of a demand on my life. It will come easier, and I will fully adopt this new part of me. The feelings and thoughts from the old behavior are still going to be there for a while, and each time they come its just remembering what we have learned, apply it, and move forward.

My best to you on your journey

)