On Signs

I am not a religious person. I might say “spiritual,” but even that is a stretch. What I do believe is that there is something beyond ourselves, something invisible that allows us to project our thoughts out into the world and connect with others in mysterious ways.

I am not a Writer. I don’t aspire to be a Writer, but I would like to be someone who writes regularly. As some large changes in my personal life loom I have encountered many recent recommendations to write daily. Write down 5 ideas everyday. Write even if nobody will read it, see what happens.

On my walk to the gym today I crossed Hollywood Boulevard and found myself annoyed that a car had stopped late. It blocked almost the entire width of the crosswalk and as I looked to glare at the driver I could see that their phone was in their hand, arm draped over the steering wheel. I shook my head at them and spent about a minute thinking about how someone should at least use a phone mount, and even then they should only really use their phone for GPS or maybe to take a call on speakerphone, but they certainly shouldn’t be holding it and how could they be so irresponsible and and… my mind drifted.

On my return trip I thought about that moment as I waited for the crosswalk sign to light up at the same intersection. When it was my turn I took several steps out and watched as a van pulled forward and then continued to complete its arc barreling toward me. I simultaneously jumped out of its path and yelled “what the fuck!”, shaking my head as I safely crossed and the van rumbled away. Another pedestrian ran after me waving his hands. The man was deaf, but he made an effort to gesture his sympathy and held his hand up to the side of his head, thumb and pinky extended. The driver had been on his phone.

Once I was home I began plunking away at my keyboard as normal, getting some to-dos finished, when I was presented with yet another “start writing” post: “Tiny Writing Sparks”. It presented 30 single word prompts to get you started. Right at the top of the list was the word “Incision”. An unusual word to start with for most, but it made me stop for a beat. I placed my hand on a 2 inch scar below my waist.

In late June a large lump had appeared on my right upper groin area. What I suspected was an inguinal hernia turned out to be a swollen lymph node brought on by what remains an unidentified infection. After suffering through nearly two weeks of fever as antibiotics failed to have an effect I was finally taken in for an emergency surgery. They removed the necrotic remains of my lymph node and within 4 days I was more or less healthy. Incision.

I never worried that it was going to kill me, but maybe that’s why it almost did. Or could have, it’s hard to say. Either way it has weighed on me since, lulling me into lethargy and feelings of helplessness. It’s strange, but that asshole nearly running me over may have actually given me some perspective. I dodged the proverbial bullet, but who knows if I can dodge a semi-truck.

I don’t believe in signs. I do believe that sometimes, without meaning to, the world can say just the right thing to make you stop dragging your feet.