Things I’m grateful for.

I’m grateful for a lot of things, things that have changed me, helped me grow, made me want to be better and get better. So I’ve decided to make yet another list type post.

I’m hoping that by listing these things down, anyone in a similar situation or in the dark place of depression can find some hope.

I’ve been there, I’m coming through the other side slowly. I’ve come to terms with my mental illness and am able to see a small light at the end of the tunnel.

Never forget you are not alone and neither will you ever be, I will be there, by your side every step of the way.


My friends.

I think it goes without saying that my friends have been amazing. They may not be able to understand but they’ve never judged and they never will. I have a small circle of people that I’ve been very close to for a very long time and I love each one of them dearly. Some friends I may not have seen for years, but the hand of support was extended when I very openly spoke about my stormy months. The sheer amount of support has, at times, been overwhelming and amazing, this includes the new friends who have taken me under their wing and shown me so much care and compassion. We have each other’s backs.


My family

Pretty obvious one really. They don’t ask questions, they wait until I’m ready to talk. I wouldn’t allow them to visit me whilst I was on the psych ward and they accepted it. I didn’t want them to see me like that.

Like my friends they can’t understand but they encourage me to be me and I couldn’t ask for more.


Music

Music is a huge factor in my life. I’ve been drumming for a very long time and over the last few years have fallen out of being in bands.

I play with a friends band every now and then and that’s becoming something more tangible which is brilliant for me.

I use drumming as my coping mechanism, a few hours of hitting skins as hard as I can will always quiet my mind.

Listening to music is a constant. I can’t do anything without having something playing in my ears. Music has and will continue to allow me to express my emotions and save my life.


My colleagues

I’ve been lucky. I’ve worked in two schools where the staff have just been amazing. My current workplace is full of fantastic people who don’t judge and accept me for the lunacy I bring to my work.

In the words of Frank Turner – “the best people I know are looking out for me”


Heartbreak

This ones a tough one, but, without my most recent heart shattering experience I wouldn’t have finally been diagnosed. I wouldn’t have been opened up to what I’m actually capable of doing for the person I love. I wouldn’t have actually felt the fleeting feeling of total adoration for a person and felt the warmth of loving someone completely.

Heartbreak is possibly the worst feeling I’ve ever encountered, but, without it I wouldn’t have been able to want to build myself back up into a better person.

Regardless of the past I can honestly say that my last partner saved my life. She will never know how much of an impact she has made in the best possible way and for that I am truly grateful.


Borderline personality disorder

This just makes me who I am. I love being overly empathetic and being in tune with other people. Yes it can be hell at times but once that storm front was over and I learned to accept it I’ve begun to see the positives. There are so many positives.

Yes I’m overly emotional but I wouldn’t change that for the world. It is part of me and I’m learning to control the negative aspects and fully embrace the positive sides of the disorder.

Without those three little words hanging over my head or my complete and utter emotional breakdown I wouldn’t have realised how grateful I am to be able to just know how someone is feeling. It makes me want to help people and do all that I can to support them in anyway that is possible.

BPD is a part of me and I fully embrace it.


Gratitude is something I’ve come to understand as a comforting feeling. I’m grateful for every single person who has come into my life, every single thing that makes me who I am. Including my mental illness.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to write about my experiences.

It’s helped me to realise that no matter how dark it gets, no matter the past or the mistakes made, everything will be alright.

Everything will work out in the end.