To the last man who will ever break my heart
Pretty severe title, I know. It is how I feel right now. And right now? I don’t believe in the notion of romantic love. Further, it doesn’t seem to be in the cards for me.
Now, onto what I have to say to this man. One I had been friends with for years. Who I had respect for having seen how attentive he was to his wife when they were married, who I developed a crush on because of this as well as his dedication and passion for his work. It was an innocent crush that would never go anywhere. Until it did but after his divorce.
Many conversations, via text and actual phone calls, led me to believe there was a true connection. You listened to things I’ve not told anyone about what I want in a relationship without judgment, as well as saying things to me that indicated you wanted the same thing, and wanted to pursue it with me. I received good night texts or phone calls. Texts every morning. I was excited that something was developing; that a man who I considered a friend, who I respected and considered an honorable person, as well as super intelligent and attractive — was treating me in the manner that a real man treats a woman when he is truly interested in her romantically.
Until you stopped.
To this day, I don’t know why you stopped. Based on much reading I’ve done, it seems that you are “emotionally unavailable.” It further also appears that I am nothing more than a back up plan, or second choice. And this distance started after you said to me that you didn’t want me seeing anyone else (something that you later said you do not recall saying and if you did, it must have been in jest. I’m not laughing though. And I don’t know why telling someone you don’t want them seeing anyone else romantically is humorous).
Your texts and phone calls dwindled to nothing. Each time I called you on your treatment of me, you would disappear for days or weeks. Each time I thought it was over, I would get another text out of the blue. Even though I know in my heart a person makes time for who they want to see, and you weren’t doing that, I still had hope. You kept communicating; you must have some kind of feelings for me.
You maybe are wondering why, last week, I pushed it as much as I did. Oh and this being after a month of no communication between us — a silence that you broke, I might add. Even though you broke the silence (one that I did ask for), not once did you ask me how things were with me.
Damn I can digress.
The fact of the matter is, a female friend of mine of 20 years broke my heart the very week you texted me again. You actually know her. She took information that I told her and used it to her advantage and basically stabbed me in the back. I thought I was talking to a friend. It broke my heart. I had no hesitation in being done with that friendship.
Yet here I was, allowing you to text me and act like nothing was bothering me. Acting as if the fact that you had time to make plans and spend time with friends, as well as other activities with other people, but you would never find time for me. So I confronted you with the fact that you seemed to not care if you ever saw me again.
You would not say that is not true. You would not say I want to see you again. You called me dramatic. I’m telling you how I feel and you want to make light of it.
And I pushed and asked why you did that. Then you sent a text that in effect, made it clear that you had nothing more to say to me. My heart broke more. You completely shut me out. Again.
So, if you ever read this and wonder why oh why I kept pushing. Why I couldn’t be patient (even though this waiting game with you has been going on for almost two years now). How can I be true to myself if I’m willing to end a friendship that had been ongoing for even more years I’ve known you, yet continue to allow you to string me along, get my hopes up that we are going to turn into something more than friends, only to have you go silent on me whenever things got too real for you?
It isn’t right to end one friendship for hurt feelings and a feeling of betrayal, but not a second one because you are a man that I have romantic feelings for. It’s not something that she will ever know, of course — but I would know. I questioned myself many times that week as to why I could completely cut her out of my life, but not you.
Both are painful. And I should be ashamed to admit it but the loss of you is more painful. I have shared more of myself with you than anyone. I wish with all my heart I had been worth the effort to you. But I cannot allow it anymore. I waited long enough.
There are many more things I would like to say but ultimately, it does not matter. I do not matter enough to you and it is time for me to move on. Right now, my heart is hurting but eventually it will stop. In the meantime, I must move forward and start living my life alone, as it appears it is supposed to be, and learning how to enjoy it that way, and accepting that the relationship I had hoped for does not exist and never will.
To those of you who read this who are not “him” — I apologize. It’s hard when things end and you just aren’t allowed to speak and say all that you want.