When My Soul Wants to Give Up — It’s Time To Breathe, Retreat & Lick My Wounds

Photo by Kristopher Roller on Unsplash

I cannot do it anymore.

I cannot be everything to everyone,

While my own Self is gone.


If I am not returning your phone call,

It’s not because I am avoiding you,

It’s because I can’t breathe.


If I haven’t responded to your email,

It’s not because I don’t want to,

It’s because I can’t breathe.


If I haven’t texted you back,

It’s not because I’m driving,

It’s because I can’t breathe.


I am suffocating. Drowning.

Trying everything I can to hold onto my sparkle,

While my head goes under water.


I can’t tread water fast enough or hard enough.

I am not responding fast enough in our instant world.

And the message bombarding me is, “You’re not good enough.”


It’s a gremlin I’ve fought against my whole life.

And now I’m just tired.

Tired of fighting it. Tired of feeling it.


Tired of people asking me if I’m okay.

When they already know the answer,

But don’t want to really hear it.


They say, “Ask for help.”

But reality is, sometimes there’s just not enough help to be had.

So you woman up and power through.


But I fear that this isn’t just a season that will pass.

My biggest fear is that I have changed too much,

And that this my new reality.


Perhaps it was always like this,

But I used to be able to handle it better, somehow.

I used to be so much better at life.


And now, everything is just hard.

Harder.

And even harder still.


I can’t carry it all anymore.

It’s too heavy now.

On top of everything else.


The weight of the world is burden enough.

The state of our country leaves me heartbroken.

And I can’t find sanctuary.


But retreat, I must.

Because I’m pretty sure this is bottom.

God, I hope this is bottom.


It’s time to start cleaning house,

Do what’s right for me,

And lick my wounds.


Before the Universe sends me messages that are harder to ignore.

Before another year goes by.

Before my Soul gives up.


Retreat, retreat, retreat.

It echoes in my heart.

In between the tears.


No more masks.

Just truth.

Retreat. Breathe.