Im having confusions…
Its been a long journey, and everyday we are facing in different kind of struggles in life. We always think for the solutions to solve those trials in life. And now, I randomly realize something. I got this kind of confusion. Im 22 years old right now and I really dont know why it needs to happen and why I do have this late realization.
Its been three weeks since the last time I attended to church and that also the last time I fed my soul with the gospel that the priest said. Three weeks of nothing to feed on my soul, on my mind and this made me confuse. Am I getting worse? Am I becoming the person that has no point of direction right now? Am I the guy who do not dreamed this kind of feeling at all and now it happened? Am I becoming a closed minded person that no one seems that it will be me? Am I ready?
Sometimes, when I asked those things, I felt that all of the answers must be probably yes because why those questions are hanging me up right not? Why am I asking those if in the first place I know Im not. On those weeks that I felt it, I have no one to talk about it because I choose not to share every feelings that I having right now. I dont want to put some argument on the people I casually talked about my problems in life. It might because my pride wouldn't swallow all the advice that they’ll give on me. Yeah, maybe that’s the reason why I got this confusions in life.
Im afraid to push my self. I dont have any triggering thingy to take any responsibility in church right now and for me to get back. Rejections affect me and, a lot of disappointments also came along. I’m not happy anymore that’s why I chose not to stay any longer to the youth organization of our church. Im a Catholic, but now, I having confusion, if, do I need to stay in the Catholic church or not? Im not closing my doors to them because it improves my 22 years with them. I became a person to look up, maybe it sounds so boastful but Im honestly saying it, and some people can testify what Im saying.
For now, I looking forward for this kind of confusion, where this feeling will bring me. Maybe somewhere Im looking up. But I’ll be honest, I want to feed my soul right now. I want to catch up all the gospels that I’ve missed. Yeah, Im reading bible verses but not usually everyday but Im trying. I also watched YouTube videos for Christian life. Listening to songs and Psalms. But now, the absence of attending to church is now haunting me. I think its because for this year 2017, if I had any absences that Ive made to attend, its just due to som sickness and being not feeling well but you can count my absences on my hands’ fingers.
Im dying right now, I want to talk to some pastors, youth leaders who can help me on whatever Im feeling or whatever problems I have. Im having this kind of hunger. I want to explore new things and not to be stuck on this kind of situation anymore. That, the confusions will not with me anymore. Really missing serving. Really missing the lessons from Him. Godbless.
“I trust in God, so why I should be afraid?”