The Hurtful Dhamma; or My Story of Labouring Enslaved Under the Lash of the Tyrannical Everyday.
Thursday 7th November 2019 23:47
Thought I’d give this a go again. Few things have changed. I’m now in a psychiatric ward. Following on from events that have seen me lose my career (or all but lose it); my partner (who’s kept sporadically dropping bombs on me since; nearly my life owing to suicide; my flat; and self respect, I’ve spent the last few weeks trying to do ANYTHING I could to not face up to this traumatic series of events. Even drugs didn’t cut it, I was simply spending as much time sleeping as possible; watching hours and hours of YouTube videos on my phone; all in an attempt to prevent myself feeling the anguish and grief generated by all I’d lost.
Eventually it became impossible. On Tuesday early afternoon, a friend simply asking me the question “you ok chris?” had my voice cracking and tears welling up. I realised I couldn’t Keep hiding forever.
After a narrowly avoiding taking my own life again, after being sectioned by the police, I’ve agreed to remain in a mental ward at Luton and Dunstable hospital. Hopefully this’ll help me, but today has been worrying… I was allowed to just mope around. I need to try to be more proactive in asking for help etc but it is difficult when depressed.
I’ve also realised that it’s not fair in some ways to speak to close friends about suicide. I’ve done this recently and received a bit of BBC an ear bashing and a pointing out of my flaws. I find it easy-ish to forgive, of course friends resent you for putting them through the emotional wringer of having to contemplate your death. I’m not willing to put my friends or me through their anger so going forwards I think I’ll stick to the professionals…
Sweet dreams all.