Intricacies

It has been a long drawn out week. Filled with glee, yet exhausting. Before the melancholy swept through. Is it because of a girl? Fortunately or unfortunately — yes.

She’s not that tall, probably average height for a girl, maybe slightly taller. Always, if not most of the time, dressed rather casually compared to the other girls in the class; t-shirt, shorts, blue slip-on shoes along with a grey jacket (that comes with a hoodie I am guilty of playing with every day hehe). Well, and there is the ponytail which I somehow noticed I have been playing with everyday. Maybe not playing, but stroking?

I started following her private again after a hiatus. But the same feeling as the first time round was not present. I guess it is because I realised I was no longer the only privileged one to follow her private. That guy was following her too. I don’t know if this is jealousy but somehow I carried the thought that guy was more important than me. However, I realised it was stupid to have that thought in me. At least I could follow her private again.

The root of all the problems — leading to her being stressed and angst in school — was all projects. I am not surprised. Her and I both aim for a GPA of 3.9. I cannot speak for majority of the others but the quality of the work shows it all. But I guess it’s how life is. People have different goals, and those that aim for let’s say, 3.6 — they won’t be putting as much effort into their work. It cost her CA1/2/3 for MOB which she was very disappointed because she felt that she could have done more. I was not intending to let it happen again. I talked to her about it, advising her that in a group project, a leader is someone who not only does the time-keeping, but also ensures the standard of the work, and that she had to take control if she wanted to do well. I guess it kind of worked? Because she’s now taking control and if needed, doing everything by herself or ignoring her group mates comments if she felt they weren’t so useful (And I will stick to her choice). I feel that she was changing her style so it was great. But she had the reluctance to choose academics over friendships. I mean, I have no right to persuade her and didn’t tried to but I hoped she will realise sometimes, academics are more important than friends.

And then the misunderstanding happen, but I hope it would bring us closer. This was the conversation. She thought I had said she was very distracting and cruel by talking to me, thus making me unable to do my work. But what I actually meant, was that she was cruel agreeing that she was working with someone else unlike me, who was working alone. So I asked her how could talking to her be cruel and if this was how she valued our friendship, and she said ‘Maybe?’. I then threw her that question — “Do you dislike me?”. I didn’t expect her to react in the way she reacted.

“omg now it’s my turn. Hahaha. I feel so bad for what I said just now. I don’t dislike u okay.. Is just that sometimes i just don’t think before i type and say something and i am seldom serious (i guess). Why would i even study with u and Asyraf in the morning when I dislike u? I would have just gone somewhere and study. Is just that sometimes I find that u maybe too competitive. That’s all. So yeah.. I’m sorry )):” — Her

“Mmm…there’s no need to be sorry but since you type a rather long message I will type one as long or longer back. Erm, I think I need to clarify that I’m not competitive. Like there’s (supposedly) no moderation in poly so whatever grades y’all get doesn’t really matter to me. There’s only 2 reasons I care: to know how I am doing comparing to the class as well as caring for those I care about. I won’t lie that I thought of the question I asked you but I didn’t expect you to take it so seriously. And I shall be honest here — → I guess I only asked you that question because I like you vvv much as a friend or maybe as a girl. I don’t know. But I just know I value you the most in poly. (please keep this between us) Yeap that’s about it :)” — Me

And then came the bad crap. I asked her what she thought of me and she responded with this;

“Firstly, competitive
Secondly, too touchy (Stop patting my head, I don’t like it)
Overall, helpful and kind”

I am sorry that you have suffered in silence over the second point. Never had I thought that you were uncomfortable with it. I guess I overlooked it.

And for the first point, I really didn’t want to respond to it at all. It disgusts me to even think of replying to it. I am sorry if that’s what you think of me, but I am not going to justify it or even correct it because I think it will just seem like I don’t think it’s my fault. Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t. I am just disappointed that you thought of me like that. But my feelings for you will never change.

I don’t know if you would ever read this, but I would like to say this:

I look forward to school everyday because I get to see you and seeing you brightens up my day. I am sorry for whatever has happened but I really want our friendship to continue as it is and become even better❤ You’re the epitome of my dream girl albeit shorter

Chan-Ky Minion