Why?
That is the most asked question through out our life time, why? Why is the sky blue? Why are you so tall? Why is it not Christmas every day? I have a child and know the why’s, but what I cannot respond to is why do I let her get to me? I am talking about my mother. I am the youngest of 3 sisters, and I have been through many health issues since I was born. She has been by my side at everything I have been through with out thinking about it. I have always admired her as a mother for always being there, but on the other side I have also been torn down emotionally by this same person. I know that my mother had a very traumatic past including sexual abuse that I can only imagine tore up her soul, and I also know that before her my grandmother had a very traumatic past. My mother was the oldest child of a long list of children, and I always heard about how my grandmother would be very hard her. Now thinking about it as an adult I feel that my grandmother would take out on my mother what she was feeling, for all she went through and in return my mother takes out on me what she went or is going through. Its vicious cycle that brings on pain and suffering to the inner core of all your being, well at least mine. My mother is very strict and the type of person with whom you cannot have a constructive conversation with, a conversation stating how you feel about hurtful things that she blurts out of her mouth or even how you are in a new relationship. To a certain extent she scares me but not in the scary clown way, but in the way where things she will say will cause excruciating pain in my soul and leave me drowning in my own tears. Why can someone who you love so much and know that loves you immensely cause so much pain? That is one question I can honestly can ever understand but has me often in therapy. Is it something I did, like for example has she always been angry because I was practically born she and she had to dedicate herself to me? I know its not my fault and I tell that to myself often, but it feels as if it was. I’m 37 years old, I’m divorced, and I have a 13-year-old autistic boy and I feel like I could be living my life to the fullest, but for some reason I still allow her to hold me back…tie me down. I feel like the scared teenager who wants to go out but 1. Needs to ask her mother for permission and 2. Knows that her mother is going to say NO in capital letters. Let me just clarify that I don’t ask for permission, I’m 37 and I think I do have that down, but when I leave I do feel anxious like if me leavi8ng is going to cause something. I feel like I can’t straight up say where I’m going either perhaps for fear of judgement or even to avoid something from my mother. I have never allowed myself to be my own person in life, I have always been kept in a giant bubble doing what my mother wants. I have just now started to make changes and it feels amazing and, in those moments, I feel like my real self, the person I am waiting to let out. But, my other question I can never answer is…why do I allow her to hurt me? The only thing I can think is I have respect for her and to try to avoid more hurt? I honestly have no idea, I think that I have numb myself to the feelings. I feel like if I ever answer back that only makes things worse & even makes me feel guilty because she makes me feel that for sure. It’s amazing all that comes out of her mouth, it’s like she doesn’t even know that all she says can hurt other, its like she is completely unaware she says hurtful things.
I honestly have felt that I am not good enough for my mother like if she expects more in life from me, but when I try to be more I’m shut down or my wings are trimmed preventing me to fly. I don’t think I will ever have the answers to my 2 intense questions that go around in my head like a roller coaster, but I know that its up to me to make myself happy. I need to decide on my own from this day on what my life will be and go for it…I only have this one chance to live fully, I’m already 37!
Wish me Luck!