Attracting Flakey People? Here’s WHY and HOW to Dodge the “Flakery”

In a busy society, time is everything. It may be school, work, business, or even all three combined. For our social lives, which is a crucially important aspect for our well-being, time is just as important.

This may just be the reason most of us don’t enjoy taking the time to plan or show up to the agreed meeting spot only to have the other person shoot the text;

“Sorry this and this came up, wont make it”

If not that, have you ever felt like certain people just seem too busy to kick it with you every time you desire to make plans with them?

Always having an excuse as to why they didn’t make it the thing?

Either that, or just tend to go ghost; everything is cool, and then next thing you know they disappear for a long period of time while you sit there asking yourself;

“Dang, whatever happened to so and so?

No returned phone-calls, texts, snaps, nothing.

The Psychology of the Habitual Flake

(The Why)

Before we dive into the anger triggering memories of all the people who habitually have flaked (or still flake) on us, lets remember that those people, including ourselves, do have lives.

Things do come up, and if you are on your path of life, career, or school, you know this better than anyone. Sometimes you genuinely have too much going on to make the date, event, or whatever.

BUT,

People are never “too busy” for the things they actually want to do.

You make time for the things you love. Plain and simple.

Here’s something you have probably never heard from anyone who is explaining the modern day theory of flakiness;

Most people who habitually flake are flaking on their own personal lives as well.

These are the types who flake on their own job interviews because they were too tired from last nights party.

• The types that call-off work because it feels inconvenient.
• The types who set personal goals but never try to achieve them.
• The types who skip a study group and wonder why they are failing the class.
• The types who flake on their own 12 Step Program Support Groups

So you see, if its not you they cancel on its someone else, including themselves. Its never anything personal with people who hold this unfortunate habit.

Rather its the girl/guy who agreed to the date, your best friend, or someone who seems awesome, pay attention to the pattern of their own personal lives. If you notice they seem to flake their own lives away, then why chase this person?

Confession of a former Habitual flake

I know the WHY of the flake too well because I was and no lie, still sometimes can be.

One reason, during my days of heavy pleasure seeking, is that I valued pleasure.

Drug addicts, from my personal experience, are the most flaky individuals because we want to do whatever makes us feel good and avoid feelings of non-pleasure.

Sometimes, just the word commitment itself is like someone scratching a chalkboard with wolverine's claws.

You see, when the person asked me to the event, an agreed date, a simple hangout, or a lending a hand, at that moment, I was genuinely racing with dopamine in my brain saying YES, with the intent to make it.

Then, couple hours or days later, after different shifts of mood, focus, and shifted neurons, my pleasure addicted brain goes:

“The THOUGHT of doing this THING doesn't FEEL good like it did before…”

“What would make me FEEL good at this moment? Oh I know…”

The blank will always be filled with something that is pleasurable from popping a couple pills, spending money, or a simple Netflix night by myself high out of my mind.

Anything other than the god-awful unpleasurable feeling of not feeling pleasure.

Of course, your best friend, new friend, new girl or guy may not be some drug addicted person but the pattern of selfishness remains the same for people who habitually flake on you.

WHY #2 : Sometimes it is You

Yup. If you attract many flaked dates or scheduled hangouts then that is a moment to look in the mirror.

It may be that you are coming across as needy.

As I mentioned above in reference to the importance of time, no one likes their time messed with and nothing is worst then spending time with someone who has no time for anything else in their personal lives.

I have a theory about beautiful woman who flake on a date or go ghost on the guy she at least gave attention to for a while.

My theory is that no women wants to spend time with an idle guy. A guy with no hobbies more important then the girl. No vision, no other friends, no projects, just an idle mind full of fantasies about the awesome potential of the date. Sounds creepy right?

This also applies to regular potential friendships. Most of us reading this have full-time jobs, hobbies, and a social circle of friends we already trust and have invested years of life with.

Therefore, if some guy or girl won’t stop texting to hangout and shows no boundary or chill, then nothing will stop you from cutting them off because you already have your social circle and life lined up.

Don’t be needy. Or at least come across as such. Have other more important things going in your personal life and respect the other person’s day to day responsibilities.

Because as harsh as this might be, no one wants to hang with someone with nothing going on.

Which leads to the last hard truth…

Sometimes, a person just does not want to hang out with you.

It sucks but it is what is.

They may have agreed to the hangout but deep inside resent the fact that you asked to hang with them so knowing that they will flake, they agree to the date/hangout anyway for conscience sake.

from personal experience, its easier to say yes and flake after, then to be an asshole and say,

“Look, I honestly don’t want to hang out with you”

HOW to Avoid Flakes

Let us conclude with the solution written in listicles so you may leave this page and go on with your life with practical tips of avoiding being flaked on…

1. Dates

Most guys struggle with this the most so I will start with this topic for men specifically;

• Be clear in your intention with the woman.

Meaning, let it be clear that it is a date and there is an intent to get to know her in that way.

In her head, she has to think “I am going on a date with so and so..” not “He just wants to hang out as a friend…”

• Avoid being a text buddy.

One, most women have an abundant social circle of friends they are texting. If your intent is to connect with her on a deeper level than friends then only text in a way that leads to action.

Meaning, when you text, it should be done in a way that leads to toward the date when first getting to know her. Ex:

You: What are you doing two days from now? I am off on the weekend and know this cool BBQ spot downtown. You down to come?

Give the place, day and activity. Don't be around the bush texting 100 boring questions about her day and yours. (save that after it is clear you both have chemistry) This avoids chances of flakiness.

• Talk on the Phone to build/see if there is chemistry day before the date:

If you both have positive chemistry when speaking on the phone, then it will build the excitement for the date.

Call for this reason when first getting to know her. After all, that’s why its called “getting to know.” It creates buildup for the date and familiarity with you.

You now graduate from the guy she meet from so and so’s party to John Doe the funny fitness freak who loves Marvel and am excited to see him on Friday guy.

2. Friendships/Someone You Want to Befriend

• Ask yourself why they intrigue you.

With my looks, charming personality, and natural charisma mixed with serious insightfulness about the world around me, I always come across people who want to become my “friend.” As cocky as this sounds its true.

The problem is, many times I end up with phone numbers never called, ten Davids, five Ashelys, and a frustrated mind attempting to remember who is who or even when and where we met.

I say this to say that most people don’t even know what kind of friends they are looking for. They treat it like going fishing and wonder why they catch random walks of life in which, they have nothing in common with.

You see, its cool to laugh at my jokes and be admired by my insight and have a cool bond for a night. But when we leave, it doesn’t take long for me to know who I am willing to hang with that person on a one-on-one personal level.

When you ask for someone’s number, know WHY you are even asking for their number and have a detailed idea of what you both have in common and potential activities you both may partake in.

People who get flaked a lot usually don’t practice the discipline of self-awareness.

Be aware of who you are, your goals, admirations, strengths, hobbies, activities, favorite subjects, and most of all your values. Also, be aware of your actions and how you are coming across to the person. Be empathetic.

Many people are too quick to befriend others who don’t share the same core values.

It doesn’t mean that we should all be the same, however, if you value respect and integrity, why are you spending your energy trying to befriend or impress someone who laughs at both values?

Conclusion

Since time is everything people only do the things they believe to be worth the time. Unfortunately, it is the reason, sometimes, why people may flake on you.

To be an individual who has gets little to zero flakes, be 100% clear of your personal values and intention with the people you are attempting to build relationships/friendships with.

Are you pursing the date/friend from a healthy, genuine, or emotionally abundant place?

or

Is your pursuit from ego-satisfaction, needy, and emotionally unstable?

Sometimes, its not your fault, the other person will flake regardless because of their own personal toxic patterns.

In the end, I 100% believe that no matter how busy someone is (unless something real comes up) they will always make the time to keep their commitment to building or starting a worthy friendship or relationship with you.

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