The Tragic Truth Of Being Forced To Remain In The Closet
When deciding to go about working on my own editorials independently I wanted to cover a wide range of topics and I really wanted to spur conversations around Transgender identity and what it’s like living in a world that wishes we would not exist. I wanted to do so by being as honest and real as I possibly can be which means bearing my soul a little bit. I wanted to discuss my own experiences and how that relates to the topic of the LGBTQIA+ family being forced to remain in the closet out of necessity and fear. I wanted to breach this topic because I happen to be someone who has been forced to remain in the closet. I know I am not alone in this experience and I’d like to explore the realities of the emotions of being forced to remain closeted for whatever reason it may be.
Most of you probably already know that I am a 28 year-old Trans Woman who came to the realization of my true self close to 4 years ago. I grew up in a household that was often inundated with Fox News and a much more ignorant understanding of social issues. I’m white and certainly that comes with its own privileges, but I always did feel different from most people I knew. I had trouble making friends, but had a strong desire to be around people who understood me. I knew I had these inner issues that were there just under the surface. I wanted to be a woman, but I didn’t have the frame of reference to really vocalize that to myself or to the world. I felt my essence being closer to that of typically feminine traits and at the time I didn’t realize what being Trans meant or what having dysphoria was. I was also growing up in a time when coming forward as Trans wasn’t as prominent a thing. I rarely saw Trans representation in media and the only one that comes immediately to mind is the offensive portrayal in Ace Ventura: Pet Detective. I knew that this side of me would not be accepted so I never allowed myself to self-reflect on that. I just buried it so deep down that I didn’t even really realize what I was feeling. I just knew that I needed to act in a way that was expected of me and I did. I pretended to be something I’m not and I got really good at it out of necessity. So good that I even partially convinced myself of this charade.
As I aged into my teenage years I fell further into the role I was playing even though my womanhood would be eating at me inside and screaming to be let out. I never fully understood what it was and at the time I thought that something was wrong with me. I had fantasies of being a woman and they would be near daily occurrences. I felt deep shame, but I denied the possibility of being Trans and this lasted for years into my 20s. It wasn’t until that voice became deafening and unavoidable at age 25 when I came to my own self-realization. It was an incredibly freeing, but terrifying moment in my life. It completely shifted my perspective for everything I thought I knew in life. It felt nice to understand the real me, but it also was terrifying because I knew I had to tell the people I love. It took time and courage, but I worked up enough to come out to the people who I loved most and those were mostly my chosen family, my friends, and some people I know closely in online spaces. I’ve yet to have a bad coming out experience, but what I have not done is come out to the people I live with. My family doesn’t know about me, which has forced me to remain in the closet because I don’t think they will react as well as I would hope and that truly scares me.
The worst thing about remaining in the closet due to fear is still dealing with the overwhelming dysphoria associated with not being able to express my gender identity. I have trouble coming to terms with myself without doing what I’d like to do to present feminine. I’d love to be able to go out and be myself in public, but I’m worried about the repercussions in being out while living at home. It’s even worse to deal with in the middle of a pandemic. My discomfort is high, but I don’t bring this up simply to ask you all to pity me. I bring it up to show that I know what it’s like to be stuck closeted and I know that this experience will seem familiar to many of my LGBTQIA+ family. It is extremely unfortunate that we are unable to be ourselves out of fear of pain, harm, or violence.
What is often difficult to get across is the inherent danger that so many of us happen to be in. Staying in the closet is something none of us want or plan to do. We don’t want to hide our true selves. We don’t want to play the part of the straight person to appease family. It’s hard to imagine being disowned and kicked from your own home just for being yourself, but that is an extremely common occurrence. The bigotry that so many people hold really does force us to bend to the will of others to survive. This isn’t indicative of everyone in our community. Some of us have gone out of their way to be loud and proud of their identity, which has given us more exposure and respect, but it’s still not enough. Unfortunately we live in a country that values following a set pattern. Queer people aren’t encouraged to be themselves and are often demonized for doing so. This framing is incredibly persistent. Bigots love holding on to their perceived understanding of the world and don’t like anyone that doesn’t fall under their strict parameters.
It is often easy to look at the entirety of our community from an outsider’s perspective and assume that because times have changed that we are more encouraged to be out and proud. It may be true that things are getting better this isn’t really the case for most of us. The closeted LGBTQ+ people including myself and other Trans individuals will attest to their fear of being oneself and that they are often overlooked when having the discussion about reaching equality. This framing that ignores our existence is such a bad take and your support shouldn’t extend only to those that have already come out publicly. It’s not enough to support an individual, while ignoring the rest of us who are still suffering. It is impossible for Cis-Het people to fully grasp what any of this feels like because they have been constantly the main focus in any form of media and in most conversations. Our community being shoved to the side and only being mentioned occasionally needs to end. Ignoring those of us that can’t express their truth harms the entire community. I may be out from a social media experience, but I feel like my closeted voice still needs to be heard for those who share the same feelings. We need to hear from others like myself who are willing to speak up to protect the people living in an unsupportive environment. The more that we are brought up the more society could make us the norm. We are normal and will not go away as much as people want us to.
Final Thoughts
Being Closeted is one of the worst feelings in the world. I hate having to hide myself just because I fear the ignorance of other people. I don’t want to be harmed for expressing my reality, but this is the reality that myself and so many other people face. I wanted to express the truth that people avoid and I hope that my own voice being loud on my own struggles will help others to find ways of coming out or finding ways of expressing themselves even if they happen to be closeted. The internet has allowed me to express much more of myself than ever before and I hope to hear from more people who have had the same experience. I genuinely hope that their voices will make things better and allow for future generations to have less anxiety about being real with their own feelings. The fight for full equality continues and we need each other in order to make a difference, which I know that we can.
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