DR. WISE-ONE’S WELLNESS COLUMN TO ALL THOSE NOT SO WELL — Advice to a Pig Lover
Dear Dr. Wise-One,
My girlfriend has a pet pig named Wilma. Each time I go to my girlfriend’s apartment I get better and better acquainted with Wilma. Now I have a problem. I hate to admit it, but I’ve grown to like Wilma more than I like my girlfriend, Leona. In fact, I love Wilma.
It sounds crazy but Wilma is absolutely charming and her eyes are so expressive. And I absolutely love her little “oink, oink.” Whereas Leona is often too busy to spend much time with me, Wilma follows me wherever I go. She makes me feel so needed. I miss her so much when I’m not with her. Fortunately, Leona lets me take Wilma to the park and we sit on a park bench and I hold her on my lap and it’s like being in heaven.
Dr. Wise-One, what should I do? Should I tell my girlfriend that I love Wilma instead of her?
Signed, Pig Lover
Dear Pig Lover,
Yes, by all means tell Leona that you’re in love with her pig, Wilma. Honesty is always the best policy in a relationship, but be prepared because this could end your relationship with Leona. Not many women like playing second fiddle to another female, especially to a pig (no offense to Wilma).
Also, be prepared that you and Wilma may run into obstacles as a couple. It’s likely you won’t be invited to many parties unless Wilma can learn a few more words than “Oink-oink.” People usually like a higher level of conversation than an “oink-oink” here and an “oink-oink” there. Also, you’ll likely have to avoid going to restaurants that serve pork, ham, or bacon as Wilma might get offended. And keep in mind that a lot of restaurants will refuse to serve Wilma.
If you decide to get married, you should know that few pastors will marry a man to a pig. Although there’s no Scripture that says, “Thou shalt not marry a pig,” current social norms oppose it. So you have a lot to think about, Pig Lover. I must admit, though, you sound like you’re in pig heaven. Remember, “love conquers all,” so perhaps you can make it work. Best wishes and good luck.
Signed, Dr. Wise-One