DR. WISE-ONE’S WELLNESS COLUMN TO ALL THOSE NOT SO WELL — Advice to a Pig Lover

Dear Dr. Wise-One,

My girlfriend has a pet pig named Wilma. Each time I go to my girlfriend’s apartment I get better and better acquainted with Wilma. Now I have a problem. I hate to admit it, but I’ve grown to like Wilma more than I like my girlfriend, Leona. In fact, I love Wilma.

It sounds crazy but Wilma is absolutely charming and her eyes are so expressive. And I absolutely love her little “oink, oink.” Whereas Leona is often too busy to spend much time with me, Wilma follows me wherever I go. She makes me feel so needed. I miss her so much when I’m not with her. Fortunately, Leona lets me take Wilma to the park and we sit on a park bench and I hold her on my lap and it’s like being in heaven.

Dr. Wise-One, what should I do? Should I tell my girlfriend that I love Wilma instead of her?

Signed, Pig Lover

__________________________________________________________________

Dear Pig Lover,

Yes, by all means tell Leona that you’re in love with her pig, Wilma. Honesty is always the best policy in a relationship, but be prepared because this could end your relationship with Leona. Not many women like playing second fiddle to another female, especially to a pig (no offense to Wilma).

Also, be prepared that you and Wilma may run into obstacles as a couple. It’s likely you won’t be invited to many parties unless Wilma can learn a few more words than “Oink-oink.” People usually like a higher level of conversation than an “oink-oink” here and an “oink-oink” there. Also, you’ll likely have to avoid going to restaurants that serve pork, ham, or bacon as Wilma might get offended. And keep in mind that a lot of restaurants will refuse to serve Wilma.

If you decide to get married, you should know that few pastors will marry a man to a pig. Although there’s no Scripture that says, “Thou shalt not marry a pig,” current social norms oppose it. So you have a lot to think about, Pig Lover. I must admit, though, you sound like you’re in pig heaven. Remember, “love conquers all,” so perhaps you can make it work. Best wishes and good luck.

Signed, Dr. Wise-One

One clap, two clap, three clap, forty?

By clapping more or less, you can signal to us which stories really stand out.