One of my first experiences drinking in college involved a challenge — by a girl, nonetheless.
Amy was her name I believe — or maybe it was Anna? Can’t remember, but anyway, she hailed from Alaska, and after hearing me boast about chugging beer, she made what I would now describe as an indecent proposal.
No, no — not that. No, she just challenged me to chug a pint of Vodka. If she won, I had to take off my pants and spend the rest of the party in my skivvies, and if I won, vice-versa.
I remember drinking the pint, but losing, unbuckling my belt, and then…
I woke up, San Diego sunlight streaming through my dorm window. Curiously, the bottom drawer of my dresser was open, and when I went to inspect why, I found my jeans and shorts swimming in a pink, Vodka smelling slurry of vomit.
Now, that’s not a recipe for success regarding much in life, but it might be the best way to treat the Trump Presidency. For we stand on the edge of the abyss, and now for it: just tilt the glass back, swallow, and black out.
For four years.
Seriously. It’s at least how we need to treat the media, especially cable news, given their shameful performance in the last election… I’m looking at you CNN, Fox News, MSNBC, etc.
Because, let’s face it: this is going to be an absolute fucking disaster. And watching it isn’t going to make it any less absolute, fucking, or a disaster.
Here’s the analogy I used on a Facebook thread to explain: I’m a high school baseball coach, and because in high school, winning matters, I start my best nine or ten guys (we’re allowed a DH if we want). But also, because we’re a no-cut program, I’ve got at least six or seven guys on my bench as well. Now, the first four or so off the bench are totally fine, and if the game calls for it, I’m more than happy to put ’em in and see what they can do.
However, the last two or three guys, not so much. Indeed, suffice it to say, the last guy off the bench is usually a guaranteed strike out at the plate, and a guaranteed error in the field. And so, they don’t play a whole hell of a lot.
But here’s the thing. When they do get their at-bats, I don’t ooze with hope that they’ll hit a home run, not because I don’t wish they would — of course I do — but because I know they won’t. In fact, in all my years coaching and playing in high school and college, I’ve never seen it. The last guy off the bench doesn’t hit home runs. He rarely even makes contact.
And it’s predictable, because for as much belief and confidence as baseball requires, you’ve still got to have some talent and ability. Unfortunately, the last guy doesn’t — and it’s not that he’s not a great guy or a good teammate — he just doesn’t.
We’re talking of course, about Donald Trump — the last guy off the bench. And what’s truly fucking terrifying is that he’s not just getting an at-bat at the end of a game that’s already out of hand. Nope. He’s going to hit in the three-spot, the slot reserved for the best pure hitter on the team (clean-up is talked about more, but anyone who knows baseball knows your best guy bats third).
Which is why, when my conservative friends ask me, “well, don’t you at least hope he’s successful?” I say, flatly, “no.” And then I explain the difference between wishing and hoping.
Hoping is when you want something to happen, there’s something you can do about it, and there’s at least a decent chance it will happen.
Wishing is when it’d be really cool if something happened, but there’s nothing you can do about it, and it’s really unlikely.
For example, on one hand, I hope I can someday make a living as a writer. On the other, I wish I’d win at least $10 million in the lottery.
The point is that while I wish Donald Trump will be a successful President, I’m almost 100% goddamn certain he won’t be. So no, I don’t hope he’ll be successful, because despite what some will tell you, I’m not a complete fucking idiot. Or a Russian hacker.
Moreover — and getting back to the blackout theme we started with — there’s no good reason to watch this train wreck aka dumpster fire aka epic fail. In fact, it’s counter productive, and there are several reasons why:
- It’ll only encourage him.
- It’ll only encourage the media to encourage him.
- When you get shit on, you don’t need someone to tell you you’re getting shit on, because… YOU’RE GETTING SHIT ON (hint: it’s smelly — and sticky).
So here’s the deal: don’t watch the inauguration. It’s going to be a glorified white trash wedding that got a last minute injection of booze filled hookers and tuxedoed perverts.
After, continue. Don’t watch any of it. If Trump’s talking, or someone’s talking on his behalf, or someone’s talking about him, black it the fuck out. He’s a reality TV show jackass, and the way to kill him is do deny him air-time and an audience.
I’m not saying don’t read the news or keep up with current events, but when it comes to Trump, turn it off. Nothing he’s going to do is going to be good, and we know it, because he’s 100% the last guy who should be in this spot. And I’ll clue you in real quick on the Republican agenda he’s going to rubber stamp: make billionaires rich, toss the poor in the ditch. And that is NOT going to make America great again.
So don’t fan the flames. Instead, settle back, eye the hot chick who’s challenged you to a Vodka chugging contest, tip the glass back, take your pants off, and black the fuck out.
Who knows, if we’re lucky, maybe we’ll wake up with the sunlight of 2020 (or 2018?) streaming on our hungover faces… assuming we make it through the nuclear holocaust.
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