CFB Saturdaze: A weekly television ensemble drama
Deconstructing the frenetic “pilot” episode of the 2018 season
Ep. 1: “Pilot/Back to School”

“A” stories: A bitter rivalry is renewed and the host is a prestigious Catholic university in South Bend, Indiana; the opponent is one of the sport’s titans that resides in a mitten-shaped state and is coached by a man that is one of the most widely-recognized and frequently-discussed men in sports media; the programs in this contest are polarizing, to the extent that they could be politicians (in a sense, one could argue they already are); the home team wins a close, defense-dominant game and the road team’s fan base continues to wonder when (if ever) their beloved team will ever feature a good offense again.
An underappreciated program from the Pacific northwest traverses the country and plays a “neutral site” game in a Southeastern city against a powerhouse from the Southeast Conference; the team from the Pacific northwest competes valiantly but falls short in an environment teeming with loud fans, a majority of whom support their opponent; will this underappreciated team have a shot at obtaining a playoff spot at season’s end even if they win out?
A program that has made recent headlines for awful reasons overcomes tragedy and turmoil to earn an opening weekend victory; the players for this team should be praised and cheered for their effort, while it is still difficult to root for the program as a whole given the circumstances; this team’s opponent is the flagship program from a football-crazy state (a state that, and I’m paraphrasing a bit, claims that they do everything on a slightly grander scale) that has not been nationally relevant in several years; questions surround the current state of the program and the outlook for the current regime, fair or unfair.
“B” stories: The consensus best program in the country (run by the sport’s greatest coach) rolls with a ho-hum victory and makes a decent opponent look pathetic, despite an ongoing soap operatic quarterback battle; a reporter asks the legendary coach a fair question about which QB he favors and he derides the question on live television; the assumed leader is a super-talented, gamechanger that won a National Championship while his presumed backup is a steady leader that has a sterling resume in his own regard; stay tuned…
Two programs eyeing returns to greatness square off on a Sunday evening; one program hails from a very distinctive region of the country (let’s call it the Bayou) with a rambunctious fan base, while the other program has a reputation of being one of the sport’s historical renegades and comes from a city that is sometimes characterized as paradise; the latter team may also claim to have invented swagger and also may incorporate a sideline prop when celebrating big plays; the Bayou team stomps the paradise team on the strength of a proficient running game on offense and a relentless defense; the team from paradise will need to recalibrate its offense in order to make that return to greatness.
A championship contending program with a rich tradition steamrolls a potentially dangerous mid-major program; a notable component of this story is that the QB for the contender is a two-sport athlete that has been drafted by a MLB franchise; how will this gifted QB juggle his present and his future as the season progresses?
An early Heisman hopeful thrives in his team’s first contest against an opponent with a rabid fan base that has impatiently clamored for a return to glory; the quarterback amassed great statistics and helped his team romp to a lopsided win with a big second half; all is well with his squad at the moment, while the program he defeated faces continued scrutiny from its fans and media.
“C” stories: Other championship contenders that may or may not reside in Southeastern America (and whose coaches may or may not have first names that rhyme with Wab-bo and Furbee) destroy their opening week opponents in nothing-to-see-here games.
A successful college coach makes his return to the sidelines for a prestigious university in a glamorous city after a tumultuous NFL tenure and a brief stint as a tv analyst; his squad loses but this season is essentially a rebuilding year so no one seems too concerned yet.
A heavyweight program in middle-America routs its opponent while its head coach serves the first of a three-game suspension, which is a ludicrous penalty in either direction (too light/too heavy) depending on whom you ask.
Another heavyweight program in middle-America that is unfortunately also quite familiar with horrific controversy escapes a near-upset against its season-opening opponent; the opponent is a program that has played the plucky spoiler in Week One before as is constantly mentioned; the heavyweight emerges victorious on the strength of its backyard football/improviser-extraordinaire QB, who should be a Heisman hopeful; also worth mentioning: this team must learn how to consistently succeed on offense following the departures of its star RB and excellent offensive coordinator.
On Labor Day, two prominent programs from the ACC clash in the Florida panhandle, specifically in the state’s capital; the coach of the host school is making his debut as head of the program (he has claimed this to be his dream job); the opponent, a large polytechnic school in Virginia with a strong football tradition, spoils the debut by stifling the home team’s offense in a rainy Monday night game that ends in a bitterly disappointing three-touchdown loss.
Soundtrack: Obviously “Intro” by The xx to start the show off (possibly cliché, but definitely awesome); “The Ghosts of Beverly Drive” by Death Cab for Cutie to conclude the loss for the Pacific Northwest program (Death Cab has ties to the region and this song feels vaguely appropriate for the situation); “So Fresh, So Clean” by Outkast as the two-sport stud QB shines in the season opener; “Righteously” by Lucinda Williams to accompany the Bayou team’s dominant performance as well as the round-up of impressive opening week showcases by other highly-touted squads; “The Summer Ends” by American Football to conclude the episode and play through the end credits
Next week’s episode: The two aforementioned contenders (Wab-bo and Furbee’s teams) travel to hostile territories to take on potentially challenging opponents; can they emerge victorious from these tests and continue on their championship paths?
In-state conference rivals square off on the West Coast for an early-season tilt that will have conference and possibly national championship implications.
The legendary coach finally settles on a QB and apologizes to the reporter for his outburst.
