Marriage is the Hefty Bag You’ll Use to Bury Your Heart in the Woods

Hey, thank your stars you are not a woman. For some reason there are pre-wedding “showers” to which only females are traditionally invited. They are typically held on Sundays, often during important sporting events about which we babymakers couldn’t possibly care. We are pressured to sit in a circle and watch the bride-to-be tear expensive paper and bows from boxes containing kitchenware. For an hour, maybe more. We are obligated to occasionally look at said wares and comment on their functionality and form. We generally are rewarded with cake and a cup of punch (containing alcohol only if the host is Catholic). It is weird, and I realize some more sophisticated parts of the country have broken from this odd torture (which also happens before a baby is birthed), but I am compelled to attend several of these per year, usually for family. God help me.

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