Finding Joy in the Midst of Chaos: My Journey with God
I would like to start by saying that life’s journey is unpredictable no matter our planning. However, it becomes enjoyable even in pain when we journey with and in God.
Many times we are struck by unforeseen circumstances, unplanned situations and even excruciating pain. However, joy in chaos is only possible when we are at peace with ourselves. I had an acquaintance that often said ‘Joy is War’, today I came to see the reality of these words. I encountered a pyramid of emotions in the past weeks and months. It began with guilt, flew into a rage, into the six stages of grief and finally into suicidal thoughts. I wondered why I wanted validation from the wrong places, why I seemed inadequate, and why I felt worthless and a waste. In the last stage, I was mostly pulled back by my family. Seeing their faces in my thoughts and anticipating their reactions prevented my actions. At least it’s what I thought.
As I reminisce I realise, I had seen this entire scene a year prior to this, mostly in bits albeit I had prayed without really knowing why.
What fascinates me about this entire episode is that no one actually knew what I was fighting. It was mostly internal and devoid of physical downtime. It did make me mentally and emotionally drained and unstable. Not knowing what I was doing, disorganised and rash in decision-making. I might have offended a lot of people and pushed others out, still trying to make amends, but I know some relationships needed to end no matter how beneficial it was. No matter how attached I felt and no matter the comfort it did give. My salvation is a priority and sometimes love is best from afar.
I was reminded today of God’s unfailing love even when i felt undeserving of love.
About encounters…. I think I witnessed my spirit praying in the midst of my chaos. About three times that I could remember, I woke up knowing that I had prayed. I wasn’t consciously praying I had gone to bed with a heavyweight, with pain. I however remember that my eyes opened and closed and I heard myself praying intensely, my mouth however wasn’t moving. In each of these situations, my morning and day were joyful. I don’t know why it happened to me or why God chose to stretch his hand to me, but I’m glad that he did.
Today I’m fighting the good fight, a firm decision I decide to stand by devoid of any guilt (even if I’m guilty of a lot of wrongs). I look up to Jesus knowing that blood was shed and no one can take me away from his love, even when I draw my last breath, I rest in his love that is everlasting. Christ Alone is my hope.
