How to Make Cats Like You
From the purrspective of a cat!
Have you ever visited someone’s house and they have a cat, and the cat just immediately takes to you? Of course not, because we cats aren’t unconditional love dispensers like dogs are. You don’t just automatically get given our love. To paraphrase Britney, you better work, b*tch.
Rule 1. Don’t try
Don’t try. Cats can sense a try-hard, like horses can smell fear. We despise wannabes. The harder you try, the less we’ll like you. Only when you become like us, without a care in the world, floating effortlessly from person to person, graciously accepting all tokens of gratitude (and catitude), with no attachments, can you understand and receive our love. Deal with it.
Rule 2. Bribe
We are not above a bribe. We accept bribes in all currencies, including but not limited to treats, food, strokes (as long as you follow Rule 1) and treats. ]
You can also scratch us on our butts. We like that.
When you give us bribes, we will bestow a small portion of love upon you. Be grateful.
Rule 3. Put us first
This means: NO food we can’t have. NO laptops we can’t step on. NO ankles we can’t twine around. NO books we can’t block. NO glasses of wine we can’t knock over. We own this house and we own you. Get used to it.
If you follow those three rules, we can guarantee* all cats everywhere will love you!
*This guarantee ensures that one (1) cat will, at some point during the next ninety three (93) years of your life, permit one (1) stroke.