I am stronger than I think
Valentine’s day is one of the hardest times for nursing a broken heart. More so, cause it was just last year my ex proposed to me. I was speechless, could not say a word and my eyes filled with tears. This year was kinda same. I was numb, full of tears and did not know what to say. So much changed over a year. Just one spin around the sun, and here I was.
I went for a meet for STP and it made me even more emotional. On our trip to Portland, we went biking and promised ourselves to go on STP. But, i think I could always see the signs before. Every weekend when I was in town, I will plan for us to rent a bike and go around, and he was not interested. He was just not interested in me at all..Anyways, I went for the meet and saw a lot of ppl sitting in groups, with friends, and the realization stuck me that I was all alone.
When the coodinator would mention, you know you are biking with your friend my heart would flip out coz i had no one, and i might never have anyone. During the meet I had million of questions spinning my head, which is the better accommodation option, how to reach there on the D day, what kind of diet to follow and my heart ached if Pranav was there. He had done it before, and he could guide me. I almost texted him to ask questions…
It scared me to death that I have to do all this alone, and i know fear…my heart was flipping and it was funny coz the feeling of flight in face of fear was similar to one I faced ages ago when skydiving or going back to my apartment in Dallas to face my bully roommate. It’s funny that when running away from her, I had found Pranav. Just that now, i was all alone in a new city, friendless, unaware of the surroundings and just all by myself. I thought it was a waste of time to sit through the presentation, coz i just cannot do this STP, all i wanted was to go back home and cry myself to sleep. For some reason, I decided to sit while this surge of emotion passed away rather than crying while i walk. Somewhere, somehow I got the strength during that presentation.
I realized last year when I went for 15k, in our group all started differently. I could not see my friends apart from Susie with whom I shared the hotel the previous night, at the start line, just knew they will be there. Susie and I ran for the first one or 2 miles together and then drifted. Our group met after we reached the finish line. Each one of us was busy trying to bask in the glory, and looting free stuff, and we met each other a while later and went for a brunch. After that though we all were driving back to Dallas, each started differently, coz there was no need to follow cars in the GPS navigation world. At night we all had our own plans and went those ways. Even at gym class, when it was to be a small loop we would run together, otherwise each go on their pace just saying hi at the most time. Few of my friends were married and marathon enthusiast. Will travel between cities without their better half and enjoy their runs. This realization made me happy.
It is how life is..we might ppl at the starting point and in the end but in the journey we are all alone. While doing the 15K, I had a sync with the ppl going in my pace. One girl when she saw me after the race came to say..hey great job..coz she could see how unprepared and in pain I was. that was some carmaderie and that is what life is. It can always be better and can be worse. I can either crib or be happy for what I have.
it would have been great to prepare for STP with him, good happy times, but the way he treated me for the past few months, going out with him would have been no fun. It would be be more fun if I had someone to share this journey with, but i get a chance to do this. we all are alone and if i could do 15k, i can do this. I never realized i was strong and i can do this