Meanwhile, in an Alternate Tech Universe …

A story about a bunch of stuff that happened — with a little gender reversal thrown in.

The scene: weekly team leads meeting at Luxefem, a social media platform for women.

Hi everyone, let’s keep this week’s meeting brief. I know you all have packed schedules with the Home Decor convention in town.

Please say hello to our newest team member, Steven. Steve joins us from Gamato Gaming, where he led product management and design. More interestingly, he’s a dad with two boys, ages 9 and 6. Steve, how do you DO it? If you need to leave early to play catch or what-not with the boys, we can talk about that.

Steve will be training with me, starting with the Columbus road show. I thought there’s no better time to pop our travel cherry, right Steve-o?! (sticks tongue out and leers, giggles all around — with the notable exception of Steve).

First, a bit of housekeeping. Please stop using the men’s room and especially stop leaving the seat down. Now that Steven is here, we have to revert that bathroom for men’s use only (groans all around). Can you make a better effort to aim your tampon wrappers for the garbage can? Thanks.

So things are getting a bit tough, and I’ve heard some grumbling about overestimating our Q3 revenue targets. Girls, I didn’t tell you it was gonna be easy. It’s gonna take OVARIES to get it done. Put on your big girl panties and suck it up. What’s that? Oh, sorry Steve. I meant, it will take balls. Do you … oh never mind.

But girls, this is important. It’s like hosting a dinner party for 50. You gotta get the house in order first before the big day arrives. You gotta have caterers you can rely on. It’s party time!

On to our first agenda item, the upcoming SocheCon show. Our marketing whiz Katie has some great news — Katie?

Katie: “Yes, we’ve secured the best himbos for our booth — you won’t believe the glutes on these guys! They’re twin brothers from LA, and they’ll be demoing our product at the booth wearing speedos and passing out cotton candy. Here, take a look at their modeling shots — pass this around, the 3rd photo is the hottest. I’d hit that! Steve, you look concerned. Don’t worry! This will totally up the traffic to our booth, and we’ve given them some really good talking points so honestly, no one will know they don’t work here. Also, we’ve ordered our booth giveaways, neutral eye shadow palettes with our logo on them. Steve, you look confused.”

Steve: “Um, I don’t think men will use those.”

Katie: “Oh you’re being ridiculous. We got a really good price on them, our logo looks super cute on the package, and men are only 50% of our audience anyway.”

Moving on. Everyone is required to attend a new task force meeting called CIRCUM-size. It’s about how we can circumvent the minimum size requirements for … what’s that Steve? Why are you frowning? You don’t like the name? Oh grow up, it’s just an internal name. No, I won’t change it.

On the HR front, we’ve had a complaint from one of our partners. He said he attended an outing in Tokyo with our team during the sales roadshow, and at the place they brought him, the only bathroom for men was the staff bathroom. Apparently men don’t go to places like that? Anyway he’s lodged a formal complaint against us. What a sack of saggy testicles! Oh sorry, whoops. I guess I gotta be a bit more careful now that we have gentlemen among us.

We have some exciting news to share from our PR consultant. We’ve been asked to submit a response to the question “What’s it like to be a man in technology?” for Working Man magazine. I took the liberty of having our copywriter Emily take a pass at it. What’s that, Steven? Uh, sure, yeah you can review it — but we already submitted it. But your feedback is welcome!

Now we all know diversity is a big issue here. We’re so glad to have Steve here; as you all know “men in tech” is a big part of our employment brand strategy going forward. It’s too bad that the last guy Tom didn’t work out; we hate to do lay-offs and they’re certainly not gender-related, but it’s unfortunate he was the only person let go.

As part of this diversity initiative, we are hoping to have more vendor relationships with Dadpreneur companies. These are companies led by men who have left the workforce to raise children. Do you know any Dadpreneurs? Send them my way! They are soooo adorable.

And speaking of recruiting, we need to enhance our job descriptions. Can someone let me know who wrote this one? It says “Calling all young, hungry fashionistas! Join us as we reinvent social marketing, and climb the corporate ladder in stilettos! If you enjoy discussing nanny shares and whether leopard print will ever go out of style, you’ll be right at home here.” I’ve received some feedback from our recruiter that this job description won’t appeal to men. I don’t get it, but that’s his feedback. Let’s try harder to write job descriptions that will result in a diverse application pool. Maybe sprinkle something about football in there.

Thanks ladies! Join us tonight for an optional team-building event at the nail salon on 3rd & Howard. We’ll be there from 8pm on gettin’ our mani/pedi on. See you there!