by Ash

I am 15. I just switched my old HIV meds to my new ones. It has not been easy. It is not like you just take new pills. It means you have to have your blood numbers evaluated again and again. We are the Smash Street Boys and for us it means we have to drive that 100 miles to the clinic over and over again. It is a pain in the ass.

It is depressing cos you do not have no life. Your whole life is to be in a car all the time and then they torture you when you get there and then you have to go back. No fucking way and then you have to. Trust issues means doctors and clinics too. It means I am trusting what you say about my health. I have to trust this person who is making me take these pills. Tim and I argue about what is a trust issue all the time. It does not mean we throw our friendship down the toilet if we do not agree. If Tim gets mad it only means Tim gets mad. I do not let it ruin my day! But when Tim gets mad on Medium about shit it means he has become radioactive to the people on this thing. The people on this blog do not even know what a real friendship is. When Tim started talking about a deep black hole in writers loneliness that is when people spit on him and left.

People hate Tim cos they think he is mean. No one on Medium will hang in there with him. They lie. They cannot imagine that he cannot tell them everything. Like he is under all this pressure to make sure we get to the clinic so we can deal with all these new meds. He drives back and forth and then he has to do it again. Then he has to come home and keep all of this place together.

Sometimes he snaps. Then the people here run. How can you be his friend when you will not let some of the things he says just pass. We do it every day. Our vehicle is falling apart and we fix it ourselves. It would be bad if we could not get to the clinic but we do it. We do it cos Tim hangs in there, but you people on this blog thing do not hang in there with him. So what if he snaps. Why they do not just ignore it I cannot say cos I am not one of the people on this but I think I might try it out for a test drive.

Changing meds can be hard. For some people it is easy. People do not want to know that Tim is going through the med changes just like we are and maybe it might be hard for him to worry about himself and us and keep it all together. When Tim bitches on the internet he does not mean you. He does not mean any one person. But they all think it means them. He means in general and maybe he just has to let off steam. You will not give him that. You lie about how you love him then when it gets hard you run fast. You people are not good friends. You only think about yourselves. So he was mean to you. Get over yourself. He is only writing poetry now cos he knows no one reads it.

I would not play it like Tim does. I would love to mix it up with some of these people who think they know everything about relationships. I am nothing but a whore but I bet I know more about relationships than the people on this thing. They think they are better than a whore but it is how most straights think. I might blog more on this. I will have to read some more of the writing that goes on here. I do not expect anyone to like me. That is life. The other boys do not like to come here. They see it as enemy territory. Adults want you when you are their little pets. I only see it as maybe it is an opportunity cos no kids like us are on this thing. No one I have been able to find.

I have to get out of bed now. It is a clinic day and to not be so depressed maybe I will do what Tim does which is write. I do not know if it will work. Times will tell. I popped one. I usually do before I have to make that grueling trip. None of you straights would know what that means. Trust issues is all some sorry people got. Hey no sustiva dreams! No tripping nightmares! You got to get yer good news when you can get it. My numbers are bad cos I only stopped sex work a little while ago. I maybe had all this cum in me. Maybe I can stop sex work and start taking care of myself. You people are not the issue. Relationships do not work much. Tim is probably right? My taking care of me is the issue. If Tim sees this he will laugh. I hope these new drugs work! I always look like shit in the morning!