I am The Great Destroyer…?

This post was going to be entitled Love, but as it’s my first post I decided that the title should reflect what I learnt first. Not what I’m learning now.

Love is not something that comes naturally to me. I’m very much a loving and sensitive person, but I grew up learning that logic ruled the world. And to a great extent it does. But I haven’t had a single relationship where love was actually a real, true, defining component.

Friendship? Sure. Loving family? Sure. But actual love for these people? Not so much. Not non-existent but definitely not pure and everlasting.

As soon as things start going the wrong way, I have no problems being The Great Destroyer. I use logic to avoid being hurt or sad, quietly building a list of things that I can use to tell myself that it’s time to finish.

And this is because of how I’ve been raised. Emotionally manipulated by those I love to bow to their will at all cost.

So combined with my depression, I’ve developed a coping mechanism to avoid these situations from ever happening. Either actually, or just as an idea in my head starting to form.

It’s not until recently that I’ve found the one that I really truly love with all my heart. I don’t know if I could live without him. Yet still, my head still manages to get in the way.

I (literally) compiled my list and confronted him. The game was on.

As we sat there talking, crying, arguing… I found myself swinging back and forward between how I feel in my heart and how I know in my head.

In the end, we simmered down. Our discussions became rational instead of emotional and destructive.

It’s only after I left that I realised everything I’d written down, everything I’d convinced myself of was all wrong. Perhaps not factually wrong, but definitely not correct in terms of forming an argument with the guy I love.

His unwavering love for me helped me turn my head around and say “Fuck You!” to my logic. I identified that I wasn’t in the right headspace to even contemplate such thoughts, let alone confront him with a serious proposal.

This is why I am the way I am. All though my life I’ve been trying to change it, but old habits die hard.

There’s an argument about whether keeping my thoughts to myself would do more self harm to myself, versus being open and honest. The trick is knowing when each is suitable.

And this is why I say sorry. And I love you.