To all my Facebook friends — Why I struggle with Facebook

C J Maybery
Aug 31, 2018 · 5 min read

I want to make an apology and a confession to you. I want to apologise if I come across as a dick, and I want to confess that I really struggle with knowing how to act on Facebook.

I am strongly introverted. I’m not shy. I’m fine with public speaking but I do struggle with large social gatherings — and I think this is why I struggle with Facebook. That is what it feels like to me. A massive gathering of people shouting at each other, where Facebook decides who gets to shout the loudest. You may be a close friend who I actually meet, and this letter isn’t for you. This also isn’t for the people who I only know through Facebook. People I have never met and I have no idea why we are friends. We have probably never said a word to each other, we are just clutter in each other’s feeds. Let’s go our separate ways. This is for the people who I would once have known and been actual physical friends with but now only see anything of on Facebook. Maybe you were a close friend but geography and life have got in the way, or even a relative that I barely actually speak to, which is shameful. I really need you to know that I do genuinely care about you. I really do. I want to know about your life. The good and the bad, and I want to be there for you, but I don’t know how to express this in a way that doesn’t sound contrived or attention seeking.

I get the feeling I come across as arrogant, or sarcastic or something on Facebook, or perhaps I just don’t appear at all, lost in the noise of your stream. I have probably stopped saying happy birthday to you, not because I don’t want to help you celebrate, but because I find it almost physically painful to send my sentiment via the usual ‘happy birthday…insert some attempt at humour here…’ status update. I do ‘like’ things occasionally but even that feels like pointless lip-service, a pathetic attempt to say ‘hey, I still read the stuff you post’.

I hate seeing the endless curated streams of posts from you spouting about how wonderful your life is.

For me Facebook isn’t fit for purpose. It is no place to maintain a friendship, and I guess it isn’t supposed to be, but then what is the point of it? I hate seeing the endless curated streams of posts from you spouting about how wonderful your life is. Your life is more than that. You are more complex and contradictory than that. I don’t believe your life is perfect but I can’t compete with how great a life you present to me. I find it intimidating and I don’t know how to respond. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy that things are going great for you, I honestly am, but it makes you seem one dimensional and superhuman to me if all I see from you are press releases. I also don’t know how to cope with knowing every detail of your daily routine. Again, how should I respond? Do you want me to respond? Is it supposed to be a one-directional relationship? I honestly don’t know, which is embarrassing given how long Facebook has been around, and how long I have been on it. Reading this back, makes it sound like I am judging you — but I’m not. Really. I’m just trying to figure out how to ‘be’ on Facebook. Whether I’m supposed to care about anything anyone shares with me.

What I would much prefer to do, is sit down and have a coffee. Go for a drink. Have dinner. Really find out how you are, share facial expressions and context that Facebook completely lacks. I wonder whether this is why I come across badly, and probably why I don’t really post much. I want the context of your life. I hate the superficial. Another introvert trait, I have read (although I’m sure extroverts hate the superficial too). I am only interested in meaningful relationships with people. I can only cope with meaningful relationships. I don’t know what to do with any other kind of relationship. I don’t know how to maintain it.

Facebook is actually designed to be a holding pen for all the people you really don’t want to have a meaningful connections with, kept at arms length through the filter of their curated feed

So, like I said. I do, or at least I want to, care about you, if you want to care about me. Perhaps Facebook is actually designed to be a holding pen for all the people you really don’t want to have a meaningful connections with, kept at arms length through the filter of their curated feed. If that is the case, and I missed the obvious then I guess I should feel a little stupid, but I’d rather just know where we stand. If that is the case, the perhaps the answer to my problem of figuring out how to ‘be’ on Facebook is to not ‘be’ on Facebook at all. I would genuinely like to know how I come across to you, if at all! :)

Of course, this is just Facebook I am talking about. Of course it isn’t important. I have a tendency to place significance in things that don’t deserve it — like Facebook. I’m not sobbing as I write this. It isn’t a cry for help. And Sorry for the long rant. If you made it this far you must be bored…see there I go, sarcastic comment. I can’t help myself. I think I’m so f’in hilarious. This. This is why I struggle with Facebook. Hope all is OK with you, and if not, if there is anything I can do to help…apart from heavy lifting, let me know.

…and to make it clear, because again this is one of my suspicions about what people post on Facebook — me writing this is not some attempt to promote a blog post! I honestly am not looking for you to share this, or like it, I just need to let you know how I feel and if our friendship can have value I want it to have value beyond the walls of Facebook.

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Psychology, tech, politics and satire devotee.

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