How to Thrive In A Place That Was Not Built With You In Mind
Being the “only” feels a lot like being in a foreign country. Everyone around you is speaking a language that you don’t understand. There is a set of customs and traditions already established, and you are on the sidelines trying to figure it out. Have you ever been the only woman or man in the room, the only person of a certain race, or the only person with a different sexual identity? It’s like because you are the “only” you are automatically looked upon as being the spokesperson for that group of people that is not present. You feel the pressure of your words and actions turning into a reflection of others, even if you haven’t entirely found your voice or a solid understanding of your purpose.
As someone who grew up as an only child, and who has been in a lot of spaces where I am often the only woman or the only black person in the room, I’ve found a few things that have helped me thrive. These quotes and phrases are my go-to when I need a confidence boost or a reminder to not shrink in new spaces.
“You don’t have to do what everyone else is doing.”
Remember, wherever you are, you are there for a reason. Embrace it. Rather you were selected to be in the room, or if you decided you were interested in checking out something new; stand in your uniqueness and think of it as a way to bring your perspective to a new group or environment.
Give yourself permission to learn and grow by facing the unfamiliarity head-on.
“Be the same person privately, publicly, and personally”
Are you ready to hear the truth?
Ok, here it is.
Listen, I’m tired. I’m tired of codeswitching or feeling the need to switch up my character to make others feel comfortable.
Almost everyone has experienced having a filtered conversation when around certain people or while in a certain setting. Out of respect or to protect yourself from being judged, you just naturally don’t mention certain things. The same goes for the small talk conversations that happen in passing at the office, to the conversations we have online, and now even censoring what we say because of the technology that’s entering our homes. This constant filtering can sometimes feel draining, forced, and uneventful. Nothing can compare to an uncensored and safe conversation that occurs while with close friends or family that can go on for hours covering a wide range of topics. You leave these types of conversations enthused, fulfilled, and feeling deeper connected.
I say, why not carry this same energy into all aspects of life? It’s exhausting monitoring how you act, what you say, and the things you do. Navigating life on a day to day basis is already a heavy responsibility, lighten the load by being unapologetically comfortable in your own skin. Find ways to be true to who you are, think less about what others think of you, and genuinely connect with others by bringing your full self to every situation.
Learn to stop saying “it’s ok” when it really isn’t
This one needs no explanation. However, I’ll keep it short for those who may be still wondering how to express this.
I’ve caught myself a few times just word vomiting “it’s ok” almost immediately after someone had done or said something that was not appropriate.
Why?
Because secretly I was already uncomfortable or felt indifferent about the situation in the first place. The most important thing about being in spaces that were not built with you in mind is to learn to make yourself feel comfortable.
Maybe feeling comfortable is carrying an item with you that makes you feel empowered.
Rocking your favorite hat, scarf or scent.
For me, it’s being able to express myself however I choose. If something is not ok acknowledge it, address it, and find the strength to move on.
Show Up
It’s easy to dodge things you don’t want to deal with. It’s all good until the thing you were dodging becomes a threat.
Putting off a conversation because you dislike conflict.
Procrastinating on starting a project because it has to be perfect or you don’t think you are ready yet.
Not prioritizing saving, going to the gym, or any other personal goals because other things came up.
The longer you put things off the more things build up and could potentially be problematic in the future.
Regardless of how you feel show up anyway. Remove the excuses, limiting beliefs and show up and put your best foot forward.
It was recent that I had to encourage myself to show up. I was afraid of going to an event because I knew I was the only black woman who would be attending and I was going by myself. I had all these thoughts about who would I sit next to, what would we talk about, and what if I didn’t enjoy myself. I decided to push through and go anyway and by the end of the night I ended up winning a raffle and having a good time. You never know what you can learn or take away from the experience from simply showing up. The first part starts with you showing up and being present.
Don’t be afraid to take up space.
You have an idea or a skill that you think will improve the work culture or experience.
Maybe you laugh loudly or get really excited when you hear a certain song.
Or you may simply be feeling inspired to dress up despite knowing the attire is very casual.
Do it anyway.
That thing that you do that you are trying to hide, your embarrassed thinking about what others might think if you share that part of you. That’s the special thing that makes you, YOU. Never downplay your skills or hide your differences because that what set’s you apart.
Going into spaces that were not built with you in mind requires someone from a different background who is willing to show up, take up space and be themselves in order for the culture to evolve.
It’s like that saying if you don’t love yourself first how can you expect someone else to love you.
Similarly, you have to know what you want and what would make you feel comfortable entering into these spaces and have the courage to show others how to provide a more inclusive setting. It sucks that this is often the reality but it must be done. You have to teach people how you would like to be treated.
You are the only person who knows what you need best. Taking up space means understanding that the people around you are not like you and in order to get other’s support, you have to be ok with taking up space so others will know how to make room and provide you with what you need.
Break the ice by acknowledging the elephant in the room
Sometimes it’s a relief to hear someone acknowledging the truth. That’s why I think most music artists have a gift. They have the ability to say what everyone was thinking or feeling and they put it in a song so everyone can express it.
For instance, I was grabbing lunch with co-workers and they all were mentioning how pale they had gotten from being inside so much. Someone suggested eating lunch outside so everyone could tan. It got awkward real quick because of course, I’m already melanin. Instead of standing in the awkwardness I quickly responded: “Thankfully I’m naturally tan but I will join you, ladies, outside for lunch.” It was a moment where I could confidently stand-in my own skin to acknowledge the difference but also make it be known to consider others.
A lot of things are not built considering everyone. The education system, the work culture, banking, and much more. As humans, we are complex beings and sometimes institutions, systems, and communities fall short of creating an inclusive environment. That is why it’s important to regularly check-in and remind yourself who you are. Gone are the days of exclusion it’s now about figuring out how to invite everyone to the table so we can all win.
Did you enjoy this? I often share my creative projects on my website, you can check it out here. For those interested in more thought-provoking ideas and interviews you can tune into my podcast called Not Your Average Culture.
