How Not to Date Your Best Friend

I am somewhat of a love expert. Yes, I see you rolling your eyes. You can stop now. Who fixed Mary Elbert and Tristan Gardener’s relationship after she told his mother off? Yeah, that’d be me. Who advised Nicole McGraw that dating two boys at the same time even if they lived in different zip codes would lead to unspeakable sorrow and gave her the perfect advice on how to call off one relationship so that the bridge wasn’t completely burned? This girl. And who single-handedly saved Coach Thompson’s engagement to Ms. Ratford? You get the picture.

Now, some people wonder why, with the plethora of knowledge I obviously have about the inner workings of love, I’m single. Let me explain it to you.

Love sucks.

Yup, you heard it here first. That warm, fuzzy, tingling feeling you get in the pit of your stomach is more akin to the flu than heaven.

And while I’m more than happy helping people who want to be infected seal their own doom, I am absolutely not about to join their ranks.

At least, that was my plan.

It’s honestly hard to say when I realized I was in love with Paul Lanclos. I’ve known him since we were five and I hit Brantly Filmore for making fun of Paul’s pink lunchbox. It was a very cool lunchbox. And it was pink. I digress.

Paul has been to my house more times than my own grandparents. Who live next door. He lives down the road, but still. He’s like a brother. A very handsome, blue-eyed, blonde haired, artistic brother.

Deep breaths.

I need to follow my own advice.

Never date your best friend.

Ever.

Under any circumstances.

It will end badly.

With crying.

Lots of it.

Anyway, there are three simple steps to avoid falling into this trap. I’ve given them to at least half a dozen people, and I know them by heart.

1) Stop touching him/her- This is a basic rule of retail. If you touch something you want to buy it. If you go into a ritzy shop full of things you can’t afford, whatever you do, keep your hands behind your back. The same concept applies here. Hands off.

2) No midnight calls- Stop it. You are tired. He/She is tired. Tired people say things they shouldn’t because their guard is down. Your guard can not go down. 8pm is my absolute limit.

3) Groups- Find them. Love them. Never let yourself be alone with your best friend. I don’t care if you had sleepovers together since you were five. You are not five anymore.

These three rules are going to save my life. Well, maybe not my life. That’s a little overkill. But they will keep me from falling even more hopelessly and madly in love with Paul, and in a few short months this little crush will go away.

After all, this is my area of expertise.

I am in capable hands.