The Hero Effect & the Inspiration to Keep Writing

Starting to write and continuing to write are two completely different things, at least for me and from what I read from all of my creative heroes. Thank god I have heroes. They comfort me. They inspire me.

Consistency has never been my strong suit. Once I get an idea — which I’m frustrated and a little embarrassed to admit can take a LONG time to bake, like many, many months — I am great about going with it. I get started with enthusiasm and of course, fear and self doubt, but I seem to be able to start it anyway. Case in point, this blog. But sticking to it is entirely different.

I’ve been thinking about blogging for years. I had a sense that something about my experience and overall existence could be shared with others in a reasonably interesting way in the hopes of doing something to connect myself to others. I also suspected that it would be a solid creative outlet having always wanted to be a legit writer (and yes, bloggers are definitely legit writers). The idea of publishing anything was a dream, a fuzzy image of my name in print. Official. Recognized. Worthy. I couldn’t even consider it. But perhaps I could blog.

Years later…I have actually started my blog www.humbledseeker.com Still very much in its infancy (like one month!), I have overcome several reasonably challenging barriers to entry: a name — chose it suddenly strangely, but very quietly on Tumblr months ago having almost zero confidence and told no one; a web site — how in the hell do you build a web site, look & feel, fields, drop downs, pages etc? a clear purpose and identity; a marketing approach — how and and where do I put promote my content? and most importantly, a voice, my own voice — uh…enough said.

Finding my voice, even if soft and tentative and quiet, has been profound for me. It was BOLD for me actually, though I take no credit for it. I feel like all I have ever done is to constantly seek out answers and ways to understand myself and what makes me tick. I guess 2016 was my time to finally get it — 47 years in. What I’ve always done which is seeking to understand IS my voice. My perspective as a humbled seeker is my voice.

Now, into my fifth week of fairly prolific posting, feeling a flow of creative energy, continuing to take risks, I’m beginning to falter. It’s my typical pattern: start off strong, lose steam because of my “this isn’t it” subconscious mantra, and taper off in a well of self-doubt.

It is worth considering in this case though that my focus went elsewhere. I found out about a call for submissions from a journal whose purpose is completely in line with mine the search for meaning. I instantly locked onto the theme for that issue and my subject became obvious and clear: the plight Syrian refugee children and families. I narrowed it down and dove into research mode, something I absolutely love doing. Dedicated days in, the data and lack thereof became overwhelming. Voice of self-doubt sets in (my “Inner Critic” as Tara Mohr calls her). Writing slows. I begin to wallow in the subject matter and my mind races and heart bleeds…”with all of this happening and with all of the unanswered questions regarding the Syrian refugee crisis, I MUST GO TO A REFUGEE CAMP! Maybe ‘that’s it’! It’s not about this essay, it’s about me actually helping.” My writing and research ceases altogether. I feel out of my league and lost. I keep my Word document open.

So, that I’m even writing this right now is a sheer act of god or grace or divine intervention. I am grateful to whomever or whatever it is. I think my heroes have a lot to do with it. Thank you all. I accept.

I’m reflecting on all of this as I write these lines. I have to let the lost days go, the time “wasted.” I’m ready now, again, for whatever reason. I continue the article so utterly humbled by the scale of the problem, and by the idea that I am actually even attempting to have something I write published! BOLD — in keeping with my 2016 promise to myself. My mindset is single focused on my purpose: I have zero expectation of even getting past the query letter stage, but I AM GOING TO DO IT ANYWAY! I am doing this because I figure two good things happen: first, I keep writing and two, I learn. My heart stays open, my mind stays engaged. All good. And I continue to blog. I can do both.

Ever hopeful with the best of intentions, open to what may come…

With love,

L