Places I Like to Hide: A Press Conference with Sean Spicer

All right, look, I know you’ve got a lot of questions about the President firing the head of FBI James Comey and that’s fair. They will be addressed. The President has sent me down here to take questions and ease your little snowflake minds on this subject. He’s asked me to share with you today a list of my favorite hiding spots around the White House so here we go:

The Bushes: The obvious choice, a classic. There are many of them scattered conveniently throughout the grounds. No matter when or where the President surprises you with a news story, you can count on a bush being within reach. I spend a lot of time in the bush in the back lawn to the left of the Oval Office.I call it Henry. I talk to it sometimes. Sometimes I think Henry’s the only one rooting for me here because frankly, you guys could be a little more supportive.

Columns: If you happen to be near the front porch, the columns are just big enough to completely conceal a human body. That is, assuming you stand very still and straight. I have enjoyed swallowing many sticks of cinnamon gum behind these columns. The disadvantage is that columns are round and therefore you are only concealed from one side. Not only that, but you are right by the tourists. If you’re hiding from, say, the New York Times and a tourist with a megaphone sees you, it is all over.

The Fountain: The fountain on the back lawn is also an excellent place to escape. Make sure the water is going and then just jump in. You still run the risk that tourists might see you, but even if they rat you out to the press, most of you cowards are unwilling to get your feet wet. I like the fountain because being underwater makes me feel like I am in space where none of you are!

Under the Bed in the Lincoln Bedroom: History lesson here: this was former President Richard Nixon’s place to hide from journalists. The bed in the Lincoln bedroom is very large and just spacious enough for a man my size to hide under. You guys aren’t even usually allowed in that room, so needless to say, it’s my favorite. The only downside is you have to get out before whoever is staying there decides to come back for the night. There is nothing more uncomfortable than spending the night on the floor underneath a snoring foreign dignitary.

The Desk in the Oval Office: The space underneath the Oval Office desk is a lot more spacious than it looks in pictures. The President only knows I’m there if he also happens to be under there. If you listen closely when no one else is in the Oval Office you can sometimes hear a man with a very deep voice speaking what sounds like Russian. I do not think this is cause for concern, just a neat fact about this building. You people are in there a lot, but usually you are focused on where Kellyanne is putting her feet and I finally have a second to sit and mumble about holocaust centers to myself without any of you asking me questions.

Pretending to be a Statue in the Hallway: This next one requires a costume change that may be beyond some of you, but stick with me. When you’re as pale as I am, all you need to do is wear a white shirt and stand perfectly still at the edge of the room and everyone assumes you’re just another statue. Everybody just walks right by. And I’m free to clear my head of all thoughts and pretend I was never born and never have to take another question from CNN ever again.

Okay, I hope that addressed whatever fears you may have had regarding the situation with Comey. I will not be taking questions at this time.