Open letter to someone I once loved

Do you still think about me?

Do you remember the words you spoke..those compliments you gave me that made my heart soar?

Those words of encouragement about my well being telling me

Don`t take shit from anyone

When I spoke of stories of how I was treated at work while tears rolled down my face…

And i how I looked at you, seeing in your eyes that for that moment you actually cared about me and the feeling of being protected and safe..fuck you made me feel so safe.

But that was once…it was not too long ago, less than a couple of months ago yet feels like in time ages ago..but in feelings it feels raw even though this all occurred just a few months ago

Every moment of every day i am trying to get over you, trying to heal trying to move forward..

Just trying..

Hard to do when I see you every day.

Ugh

What have i got myself into?

How do I do this?

Love is not there anymore that is for sure, that left when you broke my heart and you destroyed my trust

But I still care..fuck, I still fucking care.

My heart is trying to let go, but its holding on tight, you got to me in a way I didn't think was possible anymore.

You broke my heart in a way that I didn’t think it was possible anymore.

Your scarred my soul in a way I didn't think it was possible anymore.

Our time together was brief, and we weren’t even together together but I`m still feeling all of this..

Fuck I still feel all of this…

Why?

How did you get under my skin so easily?

How did you sneak into my heart when its normally so locked down?

Do you still think of me?

I wonder..

Do you have flashes of memories that run through your mind like scenes from a movie like i do with you?

And still, I wonder.

Wonder when I care for you or your well being stop?

Wonder when this phase of my life will end and I can finally give myself permission to grieve, to cry, to break properly just not on the surface only temporarily only to get over it and act like nothing has happened.

But I can’t, I`m still locked in the room that is my mind and I can`t find the key to unlock that door and set myself free.

But I still wonder

Do you still think about me ?

Do you still care?

How could you turn so cold? Was this always the way and I did not want to see it?

Couldn't you let my love melt the ice around your heart and break those walls that you thought you had put up? I knew deep down you wanted that but you were too afraid to let that happen.

So damaged in our own ways but not broken just dented and bruised

Some days I get it right and I start to think of you less but that doesn’t last for long and I am reminded, my heart takes me back down that path and those karmic chords are still attached no matter how much work I do to cut clear and release.

Cut, clear and release I say to myself

Cut, clear and release I say to myself

Cut, clear and release…

Why the fuck cant I cut clear and release?

I say to myself hundred times over, a healer in my own right able to guide others on their healing but cant heal her own heart right not now anyway

What am I holding onto I ask myself?

What keeps me holding on that I can’t let go?

Rejection

I didn’t expect to be rejected that’s for sure..

And your words, they are stuck like glue to my heart and the shock of your actions are like a defibrillator to my soul as each wave of pain goes through my soul like an electrical current.

But I still wonder..

Do you still think about me ?

Do you still care?

With Love..

Cee Cee