Someone once told me that they never expected I was from a broken home. I laughed confidently and said it’s because I wasn’t.

“You do know what a broken home is right? Your family is the perfect example of one” he said.

I always thought the term “broken” could only be applied to those families who have experienced divorce, single parenthood, or having to describe strangers as step-somethings. To my surprise, it could very well be applied to nuclear families and “broken” was just another word for “dysfunctional”. And dysfunctional my family was. Is.

As a child and teen, I was always the “good” one. I held my tongue, took all the highroads, kept everyone’s toes intact, and was of course without fail reminded that I “knew better”. It was easy for a long time; I believed in the circulation of goodness and that those who couldn’t abide by moral conduct would eventually learn their lesson. It wasn’t until just recently, over a year after the “broken home” comment, that I noticed any evidence of a dysfunctional family taint my character. Managing stress, anger, and sadness have become increasingly difficult. Consequently I’ve had a harder time dealing with anything from minor annoyances to disagreements in opinion. I suddenly feel the need to raise my voice, slip out insults, and even get violent. Needless to say, it stopped being easy.

I wasn’t alarmed by my new habitual actions until the violence came into play. Though I was a very happy child, I was raised in a home with chronic parental conflict and violence was something that always shook me. To this day, when I hear a person raise their voice at the grocery store and slam their fist into the counter only to state to the clerk that they want a refund, I stop. My body stiffens, my hands shake, my blood runs cold, and my heart rate is through the roof.

So why, why am I now partaking in the very aggression that has always stricken me with fear? How did I go from saying “what goes around comes around” to throwing the first punch?

Being the analytical type that I am, I made it a mission to find out. A life plagued by violence is no life I am willing to live. I wasn’t sure where to start but I jumped into the first article I found on anger management. I then skipped around to articles on stress management, genetic aggression, parental conflict, attachment theory, sibling rivalry, states of mind, and grief. The articles that stood out most were the ones on genetic aggression and parental conflict. After a few hours of reading, it was safe to assume that the way parents communicate and resolve issues usually influences the way their children do as adults. The information was in no way surprising but very relieving to read knowing it came from people who study such topics for a living. It felt as if I had two and two lying around knowing they equaled four and finally being introduced to the plus sign to confirm it.

Of course this is just one connection I’ve made with my current behavior and the causes for it. There are plenty of other factors that go into it and so I must stress that neither of my parents are at fault for any of my decisions or actions. My choices are mine. I own them and just want to figure them out in order to better myself for the future. In fact I believe rather strongly that the amount and kind of anger people display is often a reflection of how content they are with themselves.

But going back to the topic, the articles on stress and anger management along with mindfulness, have been very insightful. I felt hope in my chest when reading that there were calculated ways in saving yourself from losing control in emotionally frustrating situations. The most helpful was learning why we as people get angry. It broke down into three parts: the trigger event, an individual’s characteristics, and their appraisal of the issue. It clicked for me when I read an excerpt from Dr. Ryan Martin’s article “Why We Get Mad: Why Some People Get Angrier, More Often Than Others” —

“Typically, people think that their anger is caused by these situations and they say things like, “I got mad because I got cut off by the driver in front of me” or “that guy made me so mad.” The implication here is that those events caused their anger directly, and there were no other mitigating factors. Of course, we know that can’t be true. If it were, everyone would respond the same way to such situations. In other words, we would all react the same when we were cut off in traffic or when we were insulted.”

See? Like I said before, no one’s fault or responsibility but mine.

So with a positive attitude, I dove into the supportive words and took a few notes on what I could do to prevent myself from being the angry person I have let myself be for far too long. While taking the various suggestions, I ran across a list of tips to better resolve conflict with marital partners in Dr. Diana Divecha’s article “What Happens to Children When Parents Fight”. Though it was meant for parents, I took away some good ideas to toss around the next time I felt like arguing.

Tips on Resolving Conflict

1. Lead with empathy — open by letting the other person know you see them and can put yourself in their shoes.
2. Give the person the benefit of the doubt — assume they have the best intentions in mind. Remember that you love each other.
3. Remember that you’re on the same team — instead of taking sides and finding solutions from opposite ends, own the situation together.
4. Remember that construction criticism only works when your partner can do something about what happened — blaming won’t fix anything that’s already happened.
5. Anything that needs to be said can be said with kindness — Disapproval, disappointment, exasperation, etc. can all be handled better with kindness.

Hopefully this new found knowledge will supplement the other positive changes I’m trying to make in my life and allow me to grow into a happier version of myself that doesn’t put my closest relationships at risk.

If you struggle with similar issues or want more information, I have listed a few articles below that I found particularly helpful.

Articles:
*Why We Get Mad: Why Some People Get Angrier, More Often Than Others
*Stopping Anger Turning Into Violence
*Chronic Parental Conflict: How It Can Be Harmful For Children
*What Happens To Children When Parents Fight
*Mindfulness
*How To Understand Your Mind