What happens if I eat a banana and don’t post it on Facebook?
Facebook with its 1.55 billion monthly active users is hard to ignore, even if just for a few hours; recent statistics released show that 65% of Facebookers use it daily and 72% of online adults will visit Facebook at least once a month.
As my grandfather said, Facebook: Can’t live with it, can’t shoot it, and as it continues to collect more information on us — or maybe we are voluntarily providing information to them — some things never change on the book of faces, including those annoying status updates that your “friends” continue to post week in and week out.
You know those awful posts that no one likes, but for some reason you still take the time to read and consider taking action. Yes, you want to make sure little Janey doesn’t die of cancer if your ‘like’ click isn’t registered on the meme, but no one ever questions how ‘liking’ little cancer Janey’s picture will actually save her life.
When I see these statuses my mind begins to reel; is Facebook, or worse, our collective computers hooked up to that giant plug in the wall in Jane's hospital room where its only energy source is 1.1 billion people clicking ‘like?’ What then happens when the meme has run its course? Does Jane succumb to cancer or is she in some suspended animation while her plea for ‘likes’ crosses the ocean and ends up in another country? In all honesty, I really don’t know how clicking ‘like to save Jane's life’ really works, but I guess that’s just the magic of Facebook, curing cancer and saving lives one share at a time.
Whether people are posting about how ugly they are or a photo of [insert food here] that huge burrito they plan to eat at Chipotle, there are some statuses that are just plain horrible and self-serving. Sure, we have seen endless articles written about how annoying Facebook users can be, but in our Buzzfeed world where every written piece has eight words and 64 pictures to help you understand those eight words, it’s time we took an in-depth look at three of the most annoying posts that we see year-after-year.
1. I’m cleaning out my friends list, hope you make the cut!
Fuck you! No…really…Fuck you! Don’t get me wrong, I’m really happy to be friends with all of you and to be on my friends list [or vice versa] is really an honor for me. It’s means either you or I found each other through mutual friends, colleagues, or my work and we made a conscious effort to get to know each other. Sure Facebook can be a numbers game and while the average female has 250 friends, it can be difficult to interact with all of them.
I honestly try to interact with a majority of my Facebook friends and whether you knew this or not, Facebook has an algorithm that can either aid you, or prevent you, from seeing an evenly distributed share of your friend’s posts. We don’t interact on each others wall and guess what? We may never see each other online.
To make a declaration that you are weeding out your Facebook friends and verbally stating, “I hope you make the cut” is narcissistic at best and incredibly myopic worst. I get that you want to be the Queen or King of your castle, but throwing people away in the process while baiting for attention is 4th grade politics.
The status will easily fill up with 10–20 people pleading for their virtual lives. “I hope I make it ,” or “please, we’ve been friends since high school” are the first to come in, but believe it or not, I actually saw, “we had lunch today, don’t cut me!” You’re not getting cut lunch boy or high school girl and you should know that, but once again you fell for the ‘cleaning of the friends’ post and within 24 hours you realize that in fact you have made the cut…but for how long? GASP!
Unless someone is being completely heinous, racist, homophobic or otherwise acting in a way not consistent with your known values, then by all means cut them, but don’t turn it into an attention seeking dog and pony show or some sort of city square beheading. Just do it.
2. If you are [or believe in] X, Y or Z, then unfollow and unfriend me now.
X,Y and Z can get pretty detailed and complicated at times, but this is another example of a narcissist trying to hone their acquaintances down to only people who agree with 100% of whatever they say or believe in.
How does this even work? Who do these people even vote for or associate themselves with and how boring is it that they are unwilling to listen to an opinion that differs from their own? Keeping in mind that it’s extremely ‘brown shirtish,’ these are the same people that when suspended from Facebook for a few days over an inappropriate post scream censorship.
Again, X,Y and Z can be complicated, but here is an example.
Declaration: “If you believe that the oppression of any human is OK, then unfriend me now.”
Two days later: “Check out the $1.99 tanks I just bought at The Gap!”
First of all, no I don’t believe in the oppression of any human globally, but you do realize that those $1.99 tanks you so gleefully purchased at The Gap are produced in sweat shops by children in China or Thailand right? Fast fashion is made on the backs of global human oppression, but for some reason your declarative statement about oppression is falling on your own deaf ears.
Knock it off! Really, making definitive declarative statements with the condition of 100% obedience to your way of thinking never benefited anyone, let alone spurred any meaningful conversation. If you are looking for a bobble head audience, go to a forum that supports your inconvenient truth and you can all brag about your $5.00 pants while deriding child labor.
3. No one ever reads my wall, so in one word, tell me how we met.
Does ‘Hell’ count, because that’s where I’m transported every time I see this status? This is probably my least favorite of the three worst posts made by friends. Are you such a needy attention seeking child that you have to force me to tell you where we met?
Whenever I see this post I’m reminded of the overly attached girlfriend meme because it’s a desperate cry of loneliness and for some reason, you’ve decided to drag 1,000 of us into the shit hole with you. The responses are even more precious:
“High School — oops, that’s two words lol”
Street? I actually saw that on one of these posts and I thought about that single answer longer than I spent thinking how much I hated the post.
The author then ‘likes’ every answer and never responds as to whether this action saved their life, marriage or just their immediate need for self gratification. I get that you want me to take a bite of your shit sandwich, but for the love of God and everything holy, you know where we met so stop your insufferable whining and let me get back to eating this banana so I can post it on Facebook.