When ‘I Love You’ Isn’t Enough

Bro-ken Heart: Noun, used in reference to a state of extreme grief or sorrow, typically caused by the death of a loved one or the ending of a romantic relationship.

2015 has been strange; my writing career took off faster than I could have ever imagined but my marriage began to fail. The great was always balanced off with something not so great, but maybe that’s how life works. It’s easy to say, “Things will work out in the end,” but do they?

I’m transgender which means there is no amount of therapy that will fix my already broken heart, but what I’ve noticed is that I fall in love faster and harder than ever and it takes longer to recover. Trans hearts break too.

Elyse Anders recently published a piece on Mofo Nation called, “I lied when I said I would love you forever” where she states, “But that thing where I said I would love you forever? That was never true. I kinda figured you knew that wasn’t true.”

I’ve been on both sides of this lie and each carries its own kind of pain. Having said the words “forever” and “always” knowing full on that I didn’t mean them packs a special little carry-on bag of guilt; but having those words presented to you so lovingly only to have them revoked at a later date is a cargo ship full of loss. Sometimes it’s a loss you can get over, sometimes it’s not, and I’ve had both.

When you are the person leaving, it’s really easy because you’ve already made the decision, in fact, the decision had been made within the first few months or weeks of the newly committed relationship. You were just there to fill time until the upgrade came. It’s true that when the decision to leave is made for someone you never truly were meant to be with, it’s an easy decision…even a relief when you finally pull the plug. For those people that I have inflicted pain upon, Elyse puts it best, “You saw the way that I was made of nothing but scar tissue and might. And yet you believed that I could surrender and give in to you.”

I couldn’t give into you because you simply weren’t the one. I live my life with no regrets and honestly, I don’t regret what I did to you, but please make sure you understand that I still think about you and what we had.

Being on the receiving end of the “forever” and “always” lie is a special kind of hell reserved for the heartbroken. It’s a taste of your own medicine and believe me, the taste is bitter and can induce vomiting. You reach out to people to tell your story, but those people aren’t around and after a while, who wants to see or hear you cry over someone everyone knew was bad for you but you thought was “the one?”

That day she left, I heard my heart break

I tried…didn’t you see and feel me try? Why didn’t you hear my silent cries for help and why didn’t you respond the way I felt you should? I know, you are not a mind reader, you said that enough times but I thought it was my mind you could read; I believed you could read my mind and I was wrong. It wasn’t up to you to respond the way I thought you should. It was up to me to communicate with you more clearly.

What I’ve learned through out my life is that you can not fuck your way out of these feelings. There was a time when you and your significant other would break up and a month of rebound meaningless sex would fill the void. It was an easy way to get the validation you needed to move on. We all crave a level of validation but what some of us crave is an unfulfillable void. A bottom less pit like the one on Gravity Falls and honestly, is it possible to ever fill the bottom of a bottom less pit of emotions?

In Gravity Falls, everyone falls into the pit but miraculously they are on the next episode…it’s a cartoon after all, not reality but in reality, it’s really not the fall that will kill you, it’s the sudden stop and if you are not prepared to hit the ground running, it’s going to hurt. I wasn’t prepared.

As I continue my life on HRT, what I’ve come to realize is that the emotions are different, the feelings are deeper and all those times in life that we were required to pack our feelings down to make room for more, they all suddenly get released when your testosterone is zero and you’re estrogen is at a “normal” level.

I can’t get into my childhood, it’s too painful to talk about, but what I can tell you is that those experiences shape you as an adult and it’s nearly impossible to let them go. Cliche? I know…I never believed that. I always said that if you can’t let the past go, then you are simply living in the past and there is no future. I never lived in the past, but as I’ve come to realize, you need to reconcile your past in order to plan out your future.

I’m reconciling with my past and it’s a slow process, but that doesn’t mean I’m not worth the time or investment. I’m a great catch and people need to understand that I am not worth abandoning. That I am worth your effort because the payoff will be huge if you allow it to be.

In the mean time, I’m over here living, breathing, looking, searching, feeling and wondering…but I’m not waiting.