Where do you find your self-value?

Hint: look within

I have been seeing this guy for a couple weeks, everything was going great, but as the relationship progresses, I started demanding more and more from him. I was a well-functioning person before we started hanging out. I study hard, put on my running shoes and go to the gym first thing in the morning, I put myself out there to make new friends, I wanted to expand my horizon and improve myself hollistically.

But something changed within me, I started clinging on to him.

Everyday I stare at my home looking forward to his text. If he ever does, I’d be over the moon; if he doesn’t live up to my expectations, I’d be super depressed and couldn’t 100% focus on my work/socialize with friends.

It is pathetic. Maybe we started off wrongly could play a factor in what I expect from him. Not proud of this but I need to lay out the context in order for this story to make sense. We got intimate pretty fast and that is not my pace for a relationship at all. I think all real relationships have to be built up slowly with two persons getting to know each other, what they like, what they don’t, their values and visions in life, and so on. If a relationship started off with the physical aspect, there is a high chance that it wouldn’t last because you’re in it for the fun, no strings attached.

I threw away my self-respect when I enabled his behavior. Now I’m suffering from being the hook-up girl.

I want to put this off because it is not right and I do not want to spend anymore emotional energy into this guy who might not feel the same way about me.

I talked to my brother about my situation and asking for help to withdraw from this shit hole, he interestingly pointed out that my outlook on self-value has a huge correlation with this relationship. I keep complaining that he’s not giving me what I want, he’s not caring enough, he only wants the physical aspect from me, but where do you stand in this relationship, Claire? What do you want? Do you care for him? What exactly are you expecting from his texts? It is unfair for you to want people to react a certain way, and be upset if they don’t. People are people, they are not your mind.

I have come so far from being a naive girl into a young lady; my goal for the remaining college years is hollistic personal growth. So today I’d like to offer myself a couple reminders to get back on track:

1. Grounding

I remember those days when I practice yoga at CorePower on a daily basis and I felt like the strongest (mentally and physically) person walking on earth. Realization of the ability of my body to do so many poses and flow breath-to-movement is really empowering. My core was super strong and that I could hold my ground well.

What happened to that Claire? Where did your corepower go?

You are beautiful the way you are and don’t need other people to give you value. Find your focus, and get back to grinding and honing yourself.

2. Look Inward to Find Self-worth

I blamed him for making me feel zero self-worth. How many wrongs are in that sentence?

You are the one who are in control of your own behavior. You are an adult and that was a mutual agreement, he did not force you, and we had fun. Yes, it was a mistake because I thought he could potentially be the one, not some stupid fling. Maybe I’d already ruin it by making myself so easy, but I shouldn’t let other people decide my self-value. I am the only person who can restore the respect I deserve. Stop whining and playing victim already, figure it out how to do that Claire.

3. Good Things Take Time

It’s a culture thing. In Asian culture, it is not common to get intimate early on in the beginning on the dating timeline. You make plans, you hangout with the person and get to know each other, you spend time together, but you don’t get physical so soon. Nothing against the Western dating culture, but I don’t appreciate how it works. So if I don’t give, would you just move on onto the next girl?

I went to Yosemite and hiked up to Cloud’s Rest over the weekend. The course of the hike gave me much needed time for reflection about this toxic relationship. And guess what, I got to talk to a girl from our group, he also hit on her before. You’re not so special after all, ha! The takeaway from this trip is that good things take time. I got to connect in a deeper level with so many friends whom I usually only say hi-and-bye in the dining hall, and man I have to say, nothing beats having meaningful conversations on hikes. It is real, it is messy, but it’s the process of two people exchanging information that makes it beautiful. That guy and I did have this kind of exchange once, our first hangout, but then things went to shit afterwards because we moved too fast and it was just wrong. Goofing around sure is fun but that is not what I want.

Photo by Aaron Lee on Unsplash

To conclude this post, I just want to remind myself of my original intention of coming to Berkeley to work on herself, putting herself out of her comfort zone, making memories with friends from all over the world. It has only been three weeks since knowing the guy and look how much toxic you have added into your life. I need to get away from him.